expandin.from.the.present

bleeding

2010-08-17T06:34:00.001-07:00

I'm bleeding my heart out.

It is getting harder and harder.

Everyday I see you, everyday I hear you.

Its like an addiction

I cant live without you

But the hardest part is

I cant be with you

Why is this taking so long

Why must it be done like this

Is there no other way

I cant see the end of this

I just want to tell you

How much I love you

How much I missed you

And how much I wanna spend

the rest of my life with you

Will you ever hear my cry

Coming from the depths of my heart

Will you ever see my tears

Bleeding from inside my heart

I have cried more

than all my life

Wishing each drop of my tears

Will not be shed in vain

I believe in us

I believe in our future

No matter how long the wait

No matter how hard the walk

No matter how much the pain

I will wait

Because you are worth it

Because I love you

No longer will these 3 words

Hang from my lips like cheap words

I have experienced the depths

I have experienced the height

I have experienced the width

Of the weight this 3 little words carry

And nevertheless

I shall say to you

encompassing the fullness of its meaning and value

that

I Love You!

I am waiting.

who will hear my cry?

2010-08-15T01:37:00.002-07:00

Remember when someone posted a lyrics of a song on Facebook:

"You can't hear me because I'm shouting with my heart"

Ironically, that is exactly what I am feeling now.

Going through this period is difficult.

On one hand you have what you know you should do, and on the other hand is what you want to do.

Although i have the confidence to know that both will end up in the same conclusion,

but the struggle and the wait is just killing me.

Whenever you are near, you got to be so far.

Whenever we share our hearts, i got to stop mine from crying out loud.

Will you ever know the pain it is

To see you try to put me down

Although i know that it is the best way

Although i know that it is the right way

But i just can't help wishing,

hoping,

begging,

for the chance

when our hearts will collide

O, how i regret

O, how i hate myself for letting you cry

How i wish i can turn back time

and never let you walk me by

I would hold on you so tight

that even if the sky will fall tonight

i will not let you go with all my might

I have learnt to treasure

I have learnt to love

I have learnt to give

And have learnt to sacrifice

Though these lessons were not taught

but were nailed into me by the tears i cry

I swore never again will i let you cry

I swore never again will i let you fight

Never again will you ever have to feel

lonely

neglected

Cause my love for you has grown,

my love for you has been trialled

I will keep my words short

and my actions long

Cause losing you, has been the worst day of my life

Now all i can do

is wait, pray and hope.

To put on a strong front for you

While i cry in my secret place

Only God will see these tears

I will always be here for you,

as a friend that you need.

As long as i can be by your side

my tears and cries are all worthwhile.

Cause love is the the sacrifice of me

For the benefit and happiness of you.

I just wish that the happiness can include us both.

I love you.

Cambodia

2010-07-28T07:05:00.000-07:00

I really don't have anything to talk about.
Maybe it's cause I'm stuck at home for the past 2 days and really without any inputs, there can hardly be any outputs. Interesting outputs.

I think this is like the 3rd attempt to revive my blog.
Changed the skin and all that but seriously, keeping a blog is hard work!

Anyways, Calista' gone to Cambodia to be a hero.
Trying (and i emphasize trying) to teach the kids there some english. I think its a wonderful thing that YMCA (i think) i doing organising these kind of OCIP, but they should really go make sure the people that actually go there and teach are of qualified capabilities.
Well, they don't need to have like a degree or masters from NIE whatsoever. As long as their common sense actually make sense!

So lets evaluate Calista's capability in teaching the poor kids in Cambodia.

We will just skip the entire chapter on basic survival skills.
Anyone who knows Calista, just 1 iota-bit about her will find the "WILL NEVER SURVIVE ON HER OWN, EVEN IN SINGAPORE" alert sign screaming in their face!
So since its an obvious fact that will soon be added to the Dictionary of Common Sense and Basic Knowledge, lets not waste our time. How can she even make it to Cambodia, safely and return safely even if the flight back is immediately after her flight there?

So moving on to the next chapter, General Knowledge & Common Sense
Calista's general knowledge, well lets just put it as it exist but it isn't working. It's amazing how something she can miss the simplest and most basic knowledge of things. I don't even know if they bother to teach those things in school!!
How do you learn general knowledge and common sense? As the name apply, shouldn't it be rather common to find?
Its difficult to find actual examples as examples need to be unique, significant and something that is obvious from other day to day living, its difficult when it comes to Calista cause there is no unique, significant or special events in her life that does not deviate from having no common sense, so the only example is her entire life's work! Yes it can be considered as a work of art to be able to achieve that level (low level) of common sense living. She has gone where no man or woman has gone before. Deeper than the great oceanic trenches and lower than the worst scums in the this world. It is truly a feat worth celebrating.

In this third chapter, we will discuss the specific knowledge of Calista. Since we have just gone through the real basic stuff, lets jump to something a little more challenging, but not too much. Let us talk about the Universe!
As everyone knows, yes including Calista knows this one, we all live on Earth, it is round, really really huge and well its where we all stay. So from there, we move on to our closest neighbor, the moon!
The moon is also round and has many holes. Probably cause they don't really have any face wash for them in outer space. Next in line is well the bunch of 8 (yes some argue that pluto is not and some say there is planet x, so lets just base this argument on my science textbook back in Primary 4 ok?!) other planets that is rotating around our sun! Everyone coming along fine? *check on Calista* yup she is still around!

So we all know that the Sun (or a star if your an alien from a planet 10 000 lightyears away) together with the 9 planets, including Earth, forms what we know as the Solar System.

From here on, if you can visualise, Calista would jump or fall off the elevator of knowledge, down into the pit of darkness.
Because in the unexplored mind of Calista, that's it!
What do I mean by that's it? That is Calista's answer if you were to ask her "How big is our Universe?"

!!!I know!!!
OMG!

Back again - soul

2010-07-26T07:39:00.001-07:00

Today Pastor Bobby talked about Cultural Mandate and how we should engage the culture.
Another point that really impacted me was about feeding our soul. And all along when I thought that I am somewhat engaging towards the pop culture, I realised that I have not been actually feeding my soul and letting the Arts or Pop Culture "re-create" my soul.
Perhaps that is why my soul seems so shut-down, emotionally as well as in the energy level I have in whatever that I do.

its time to feed my soul.

One of the best and definitely easiest way one can feed the soul and allow ourselves to express our innermost feelings and conditions is writing. Though there are many other forms, such as fashion where one can express the inward outward or music where one can release the inward through the outward, writing I personally feel is the cheapest and most direct form of communication between the world and our soul.
Its not for people to read (though it will be good as the nourishment of one's soul can also nourish another) but its just to express.

The freedom of expression is what we need.

work work work

2008-12-30T07:46:00.000-08:00

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

its one after another

there is no rest

there is no break

there is no hope for sleep

what am i gonna do?

pushed to the corner with no where to run

a cornered animal is the most dangerous

i am ready to strike

i am ready to fight back

hair standing on its ends

eyes opening so wide

it darkens on its sides

suddenly a panda appears

i need to sleep

BUT

i need to rush all my projects

help!!!

recession proof

2008-12-07T08:03:00.000-08:00

man!
wad dr john avanzini said today was kinda scary! world recession worst than the great depression? how more depression can the it be? the greater depression?
oh well, but i am recession proofed!
i guess the hardest part is to really believe that its gonna happen to you.
and pst said something right at me this week, when you rest too much after asia conference, it will bring you really down and it will then take really long before you get back up again.
but asia conference was REALLY tiring!
and now school is also trying to compete with AC in the "who is the busiest institution" contest, im becoming more and more certain that there is a conspiracy in this. somehow god is making Asia Conference and Christmas drama rehearsals and my school work, project and exams clash so bad like its the big bang, so that i will be super super tired that i will stay at home more often after all these are over and answer the prayer (well she doesnt really pray) of my mum!

anyway,
sound debrief by Raj was a real long one.
but i guess one of the biggest things he said was that we gotta get out of our mental prison of limitations. he told us some of his stories back when he was just a rookie in church and how now he has to sign of millions of dollars every year for the church and stuff, its like 70% if i remember correctly...
gosh, joining sound ministry really pays off.

back to mugging

feeling empty

2008-12-05T05:28:00.000-08:00

honestly speaking,
i dont think i am doing so well after asia conference.
its so inspiring but i dunno y im so so tired when it ended.
i guess its cause i didnt guard myself properly and let myself slacked off too much.
its time i buck up again!

and i thank god for his grace
whenever we mess up, sometimes really BIG time
He is always there, all prepared to help us get on our feet again and move on.
even when you feel that u messed up so bad and so long
damn i feel like i did all the time

bucking up now=)

school week

2008-12-02T05:48:00.000-08:00

this week's school sure is packed...
with a individual submission on fri, then a test on sat morning followed by another individual field study on tuesday and now yet another test tomorrow (wednesday).

you kinda wonder what the lecturers do in the staffroom. i have a theory.
Lecturers hate each other!
why? apparently they do not like to talk to each other, furthermore discuss about their work and the timetables of their classes. Which is why i am positively sure is the major contributing factor to our crappy deadlines and seemingly "this am the only subject you are talking" or "this is the only subject with any test or project" notion from each lecturer.

i have decided to read more,
i have no idea why this decision suddenly came into my head but i believe that reading more really helps with one's communication skills. yes i can tell my english is not really on the high flyer's league.

back to reading my 54 pages notes on E-business.
0.o
i know...

cody cody

2008-09-14T11:03:00.000-07:00

no matter how cute this fellow is
sometimes!, just sometimes, he can turn into a little devil and get on my nerves!
ARGH!

hurricane ike

2008-09-11T19:43:00.000-07:00

its kinda, well say unlucky that once i got here, it was hurricane season and

just around last week, reports of a hurricane heading towards the southern states and central america came up

and it was ike

its kinda weird how they name these hurricanes and if you notice, mostly are all female names like katrina, rita, isabel and many more, hmmmm... tells you something doesnt it=)

anyway, ike is predicted to enter the gulf of mexico, where it will pick up speed and water and stuff, which will make it into a category 2 and even a cat 3 hurricane, which by now reports are saying that we can might as well take it as a cat 3 cause its wind speeds are hitting 100 miles per hour, that is like about, 160km and that is pretty fast and can get even faster. the thing about these figures is that, its not the say max speed or anything, its the prevailing ones, so you would like get these winds and of course lots of rain too for about a few hours to a few days straight, that's pretty sick!

we are currently still monitoring that news and, HAHA for once am looking at the weather channel for more than just a few seconds, to get the latest report on ike.

its quite amazing how wide and long the hurricane will hit when it hits the land, probably early sat morning of friday night, from the whole stretch of Texas's coast and part of Louisiana, it will head inland to Dallas, and all the way into the inland states like alabama.

today when mum and my dad got home, we started preparing for it, had to move all the "flyable" and movable things in the yard into the garage and that was ALOT of things to move.

oh well,

just digging in and hopefully it will pass without much damage

but its kinda exciting too

oh and the phone died, so i cant call out=(

holiday

2008-08-27T10:45:00.001-07:00

yea!

i'll be flying off to america this holiday!

gonna see my cute little brother and dad =)

hope that i will get to do lots of fun stuff

exams

2008-08-27T10:44:00.000-07:00

exams exams exams

1 down 1 to go =)

gay!

2008-08-22T11:25:00.000-07:00

i was walking to marina square through CityLink
and i walk pass the NewUrbanMale store
and i saw this t-shirt
a very interesting brown shirt that had a very peculiar slogan printed
"if you can take the shit, i can take the pain"
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
0.0

those who dun get it
its ok, its a sign that you are still innocent
=)

love guru

2008-08-19T09:06:00.001-07:00

yesterday went to watch movie with calista at marina square

haha! love guru was a funny show but somehow it didnt really meet up with the expectations that you have for it...

i tot that it would be funny, but it turned out to be mostly just nonsensical with just some intelligent humors.

but i think its still worth watching if you got money to spare and time to spend=)

anyway, one of the most funny thing that movie said was this:

B - asic

I - nstructions

B - efore

L - eaving

E - arth

so funni! and there are alot more of this nonsense.

the show is basically about this american born, grew up in india, follow the guru way guy

that became the famous love guru and he is very rich and successful etc etc

then he is hired to help this ice hockey team's star player who just fall out of marriage and is affecting his playing and the team's hope of getting the stanley cup guy to fix him up

so there is these 5 steps that he must follow to be 'cured'

and of course things happens and this and that

then got crisis

then got solution

then revelation

quite typical setting

but Jessica Alba is so hot! and justin timberlake is funny haha...

corporate photo

2008-08-15T23:45:00.001-07:00

today was the last day of school

and we had our Business Etiquette tutorial

ha!

we got back our corporate photos which we look a long way back

and kinda saw everyone's "transformation" from the day we entered TP

to the corporate photo.

i guess they wanted to show us how effective the tutorial was at transforming our image

BUT

haha! i dun think it it will stay for long=)

anyway

this is mine

they took alot and i didnt smile for all of them and this is the only one that they took while i was laughing at i forgot who

but haix, its ok i guess... i think every employer would want to interview me

i look so happy

haha!

fly away

2008-08-15T23:43:00.000-07:00

i want to fly away!

am so looking forward to a long holiday

prawning

2008-08-12T09:49:00.002-07:00

went prawn-fishing with n341 on friday

love and hate

2008-08-12T09:27:00.000-07:00

sometimes i love you

sometimes i really feel like hating you

its so difficult, a relationship

well but it is also true that nothing worth doing in life is ever easy

so if its not easy, its worth doing

and since the day that i've started, i have never regretted it

yes there are times when i just feeling like strangling myself

or just punching against the pillow, although i end up with the wall instead, which led to much bleeding and pain,

and when you get so unreasonable i feel

and so stubborn

and soooo irritating

and so ARGH! that i just feel like throwing the phone out of the window

thank god i havent cause i know i will regret the moment i hear the crack against the floor

sometimes

when we quarrel, i sometimes feel like i became the incarnate of the devil, all the boils, the steam, the @*%#!&#$@* in my mind!

recently it got worst, not that the quarreling got worst

but its just that whenever we quarrel, i kinda get affected quite alot

and realise i am getting emo =(

but despite all these anger, irritation and ARGH at you

and all those

i still did not regret

of course at that moment when we quarrel, i will be like

WALOU that @&#%^#$@@$ stupid idiotic stubborn short smelly calista!!!

but in my heart, i will still be thinking and laughing at myself and at u

although on the outside i might still appear angry, cold or even ignoring u

but

im surprise even that inside i can have this split personality

i sometimes dunno how to describe these feeling

where u can be sooooooo angry at that idiot but still love that idiot so much at the same time

its sometimes an irritating feeling cause u can wholeheartedly just be angry with that idiot!

haix...

but

i love you dear!

cutelovelysweetcaringsacrifisingprettysmartblurirritatingstubborncrybaby

everything

ok, i complain finish le..

go china go!

2008-08-10T10:37:00.000-07:00

yea china is leading in the medal tally!

woohoo!

yes yes the chinaman is showing some love~

other than that

his quite dried up

life

2008-08-05T08:06:00.000-07:00

its amazing how fast things can turn around in life.

a moment is never too short for the world to fall apart.

today i am feeling so emo

but NOT cause i got nothing to do but just because things arent going to well. in fact i cant really remember when things were alright for me in my life. i guess sometimes u get so busy with life itself that u overlook the problems there are and pretend that all is fine when u are actually rotting on the inside.

maybe that is wad's happening, but i dun think its as serious as im rotting (wooh, wouldnt smell that good)

every now and then

i tend to wonder, just let my mind drift and go wherever it feels like going to.

i realised that there is this one place that it will always without fail either end up or drift past.

and that is the question that i have always asked myself:

how is it like to be in a normal family. I know that every family have their issues, everyone have their stories to tell and everyone got their own skeletons in their closets. so when i say normal, i dun mean a perfect happy family.

in fact, that dun sound normal to me, whether im right or not it doesnt matter.

my memory fades

but a portion it still holds

of the time far far away

when things were just how it was suppose to be

where in it

everyone was smiling

i was smiling

i remember that time

when we were so poor

so poor that the only electrical appliance

was our faithful rice cooker

no TV, no nothing

life was simple

little by little

but filled with joy

to be sprinkled

dad and mum were holding hands

while i was

leading them

all i remembered was after dinner

we would go down for a walk

round and round the old estate

where many playgrounds use to stand

we would go from the one to the next

and dad and mum

would watch me play

never getting tired of the same old place

every night

without fail

that is where

we will be

then as time past

it flew so fast

into school and out of school

passing my exams

but never enough

it all went into a spiral down

till now where

dad is miles away over the sea

with his new family

is it forgetting me

and mum is miles apart from where we start

someone i no longer know

and i am miles away from where i wan to be

or at least someone i feel safe

Love me as i am

2008-08-03T06:52:00.000-07:00

day after day
i close my eyes and pray
wishing there would be
someone who sees a better me
i may not understand
why heaven made me as i am
if you look deep inside
i'm sure a treasure you will find

will you still love me in spite of everything
will you still hold me
just like the day of my first breath
my doubts and fears
mistakes and tears
all mixed with happiness
this is who i am
will you love me as i am

i may not get a perfect score
in all the things you're looking for
not asking for more
all my faults will you ignore
please see the good inside
will your love cross this great divide

-song
i think its rather appropriate for angel=)

charger=(

2008-08-03T06:36:00.000-07:00

walou,

i forgot to bring my laptop the charger home! left it in church...

haix, tonight my laptop can only last for like 2 hours.

we take things for granted when they are always there

but for that split moment in life when it leaves the convenience of your reach

you realise how important it is to you

and without it, something so small and seemingly so insignificant

you become rendered so helpless and powerless

your life is put on halt

and there is nothing you can do

haix

i miss my charger=(

pls learn to treasure the things and people around you!

NOTE:

do not eat curry porkchop with rice

i got rashes all over my body after eating that!

and i cant stand all the emo blogskins out there! cant seem to find a good one!

from behind

2008-07-31T09:48:00.000-07:00

he looked upon you

while you walk up those steps,

the view of your back he sight,

but the closest it got was in his heart.

for in there

he hugged you,

but in your life

he hides,

for your former is yet to depart

to make room for the latter.

Oh angel would you ever see me?

oh angel would you ever hear me?

for my heart is bleeding

life a knife down the middle

with each step you take

each step taken away from me.

Here i am

ever waiting

with my arms aching

yearning to close them

shut, but

with only you in them.

here my tears are rolling

down the cheeks of my heart

waiting for you to clean them

and to shine your light into my life,

where i can see you living

here,

where you belong.

-this is dedicated for a friend! dun give up when you dun feel like giving up ok?! OooOsH!

Square root of 3

2008-04-28T10:45:00.000-07:00

I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

abt

2008-04-28T10:33:00.000-07:00

this or that

black or white
white (depends but i guess black is kinda boring)
coke or pepsi
pepsi
darkness or light
light of course (but ppl need darkness every once in a while)
indoors or outdoors
outdoors
rock or country
both
london or paris
london
girl or guy
guy
computer or television
computer
friendster or facebook
dun like both actually
urban or country
urban

currently

are you at home
yes
are you listening to music
yup
are you wearing a shirt
nope=)
is your air-con on
yes
how do you feel
sleepy
are you wearing any jewellery
not when im gonna sleep
is your computer/laptop lagging
of course not
is your hair combed
yes actually, surprising ^^
what color chair are you sitting on
white
what is the time
that's a stupid question (agree with jong)

future

do you ever want to immigrate
yes, to China or USA
marriage
we'll see
what will be your ideal job
businessman, CEO of some big hotel, work for xtron
how old do you want to live to
till i have no regrets
what is your lifelong goal
earn lots of money to feed the hungry!

- courtesy of jong's blog, tot that it was interesting haha...

harold and kumar escape from guantanamo bay

2008-04-24T09:56:00.000-07:00

YES!

i watched Harold and Kumar escape from Guantanamo Bay!!!

for kids under 18, watch it online when its out ok? but there is a reason it is M18, its like on the verge to become R21 any moment haha...

well, the movie was hilarious, especially with the occasional nudity of very, hmmm how shall i put it, unexpected areas and some with a twist to it. so its really funny! i really recommend those 18 and above to go catch this movie!

there is this really nice nerdy poem recited by Kumar (supposed to be written by him in the story)

called the square root of 3

it was really nice and very interesting how the actual writer tot abt it, must have been a real mathematical nerd to accomplish such a feat! haha

Enjoy^^

kite runner

2008-04-24T09:51:00.000-07:00

well, recently i bought a novel called kite runner and its really quite interesting. for all u dun read books folks out there, dun read this then ok? but u shd really try this activity call reading, its really not that difficult! haha

anyway, i read something interesting in the book

the father was telling the son that there is only 1 sin in this world, and that is thief. all other sins are a form of thief.

like when u kill someone, u rob him of his life, rob his wife of a husband, his children of a father.

when u cheat, u rob someone of fairness, when u lie, u rob someone of his right to truth, etc etc

well and u think about it, its kinda true isnt it? that at the end of the day, we are robbing someone of something, no matter abstract or physical...

just some food for ur tot^^

so lazy

2008-04-09T06:38:00.000-07:00

im so lazy!

but then again, my life took a turn and yipee! im happy!

looking forward to serve in children church this coming sat, hope expo dun suddenly need someone to do stage again^^ but then again, i dun mind doing stage too, so... come wad may!!!

well, the thing i wanted to write about is wad i read from the book "7 habits of highly effective people"

although i havent finish reading the entire book, but only managed to cover the tip of the ice berg of this monumental work by Stephen R.Covey, whoever this fella is.

although this book was written like very long time ago, back in the 20th century (which is the 1900s for those who dunno) there are many truth in the book that well, changes how we see things and understand the world around us.

the first thing the impacted me the most from this book was its direct address that modern era have over focused it eyes on the importance of Personality Ethics, instead of Character Ethics.

Personality Ethics is the focus of personality traits, attitude, behavior and mindset that attributes to success and effective living. So common sayings like your attitude determines your altitude, think positive and so forth are said to be the main attributor to success and in a way have made ppl think that its the only way to success.

But there is this Character Ethic, which is the focus of basic effectively living principles such as integrity, humility, courage, patience, etc that is the main contributor to success.

ok, maybe im losing some of u already but the main thing that its trying to say is that, yes personality ethics like having positive mindset and a good attitude are important to one's achievement of success but these are only secondary when compared to one's character. One might find success by applying only the personality ethics, but in the long run, such success will not be lasting or endearing. like wad they always say, your talent might bring you to a level but u will need your character to stay there.

so therefore, personality ethics are beneficial to success, but afterall they are secondary. focus on primary foundations that build character first, then applying these secondary traits would bring not only effective success, but also enduring happiness ^^

Hope this is not too confusing =)

orchestra tired

2008-04-06T09:59:00.000-07:00

sorry, today very very tired...

all credit to the orchestra performance so have to serve on sunday, which requires me to reach expo at 7am.

my eyes are so tired they are closing already

will blog abt something that i wanna write about for a few le tomorrow=)

life house everything

2008-04-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

this is a skit that a dear friend introduced me to

it is about the love of God

im amazed by the simplicity and creativity but yet powerful the message nevertheless is

pls enjoy

sleep more

2008-04-02T11:17:00.001-07:00

i really need to sleep more and earlier these days

the late nights are taking its toll on my skin and large pimples are coming on!

im stuck in a cross-road

the kind when u wan to take this path but you are not so sure about it

and the other, you know its the better path, but someone might get hurt out of it

which should i take?

my life need a reset button and a volume control

reset button first

life seemingly has become more and more meaningless

the same old everyday

and when school start, the same routine of chasing after that distinction, that grade

soon, it will be chasing against time, to complete projects

then mugging for exams

and finally holidays

next, the cycle continues all over again

BORING!

east to west

2008-04-01T12:04:00.000-07:00

This is the lyrics to the song by Casting Crowns

East to West

it really showed me just how far God's grave and mercy is

hope it will bless you too

Here I am Lord and I'm drowning

In your sea of forgetfulness

The chains of yesterday surround me

I yearn for peace and rest

I don't want to end up where you found me

And it echoes in my mind

Keeps me awake tonight

I know you've cast my sins as far

As the East is from the West

And I stand before you now

As though I've never sinned but today

I feel like I'm just one mistake away

From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me

Just how far the East is from the West

Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been

Come rising up in me again

In the arms of your mercy I find rest

Cause you know just how far the East is from the West

From one scar[r]ed hand to the other

I start the day the war begins

Endless reminding of my sin

Time and time again

Your [T]ruth is drowned out by the storm I'm in

Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away

From you leaving me this way

Jesus can you show me

Just how far the East is from the West

Cause I can't bear to see the man I've been

Come rising up in me again

In the arms of your mercy I find rest

Cause you know just how far the East is from the West

From one scar[r]ed hand to the other

I know you've washed me white

Turned my darkness into light

I need your peace to get me through

To get me through this night

I can't live by what I feel

But by the truth your word reveals

I'm not holding on to you

But your holding on to me

Your holding on to me

Jesus, you know just how far

The East is from the West

I don't have to see the man I've been

Come rising up in me again

In the arms of your mercy I find rest

(The arms of your mercy I find rest)

Cause you know just how far the East is from the West

From one scar[r]ed hand to the other(x2)

(Just how far, the East is from the West) (x3)

From one scarred hand to the other

happy birthday

2008-04-01T11:27:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday

this blessed day when u were born

when God finally put His marvelous creation

into this world

this day the sky was blue

without a single cloud in the sky

the trees were green

and the breeze was gentle

this perfect day

a cry broke out

yet, its a cry that brings joy

a baby girl was born

so pretty and innocent

so bliss and free

like the icing on a Tiramisu

this little girl was to this world

Happy Birthday

a day that celebrates you

a day when all others dun matter

only you take centre stage

i was lucky to know this wonderful soul

to have at least touched its grace

to have at least been a part of it

to have at least, to have at least

now this girl

having gave the world so much so much

all i can do now

is to wish

is to pray

is to hope and have faith

that one day she herself will find

someone just as fine

the busket list

2008-03-31T22:11:00.000-07:00

back and once again
the tales of Bilbo Baggins
oops, i meant colby

life changed quite abit and well, still need time to adjust to this change.
change is the only constant and how true is that
time is always changing, every sec past is a time gone, a moment of life spent, a step closer to the end
watching the movie: The Bucket List
they said that in a survey, 95% of the respondents said that, if they could know the exact time of their departure in advance, they would rather choose not to know.
which will u be?
i guess it will really depend where i stand in life.
if im really young, i MIGHT wanna know, as i would still have many years ahead and if i know how much time i have left, i suppose i would really treasure my time and make every sec of my life count. but i might not wanna know as it will take away the 'fun' of life itself, knowing things of the future isnt how life is planned out to be and i suppose there will be some negative effects to knowing when u will die.
but if im old, i guess i might not wanna know. i dun think its really a good thing to know when u are going to die, especially when u arent left with much to begin with anymore. then again, in the movie, its because they knew how much time they have left that did it changed their life brought peace to themselves and recognition of who they are to the people in their life.
so i guess its really up to each individual.
but perhaps one reason why people dun wanna know might be because they are afraid that after knowing, there will be changes in their life, and as ppl dun really like changes, they tend to avoid it.
personally, i will lean more to the 5% crowd
i guess if i know when im gonna kick the bucket, and with god by my side,
i guess it would be a good thing, stop all my procrastinations, remove all my fears, take away all distractions and just bash towards my destiny. making my life count.

the movie also talked abt how do u measure ur life at the end of the last breathe
is it by the achievements u have managed to attained?
or the people u leave behind?
the ancient egyptians have a beautiful belief about death. that at the end of ur life, u will stand before a gate and the 'gods' would ask u 2 qns.
1) have u found joy in ur life
2) have others found joy thru ur life
these answers would determine ur fate and i guess during then, its not really easy to say 'yes' to both question.
the first might be considerably easy to answer as im sure most would be able to find joy in life, especially when u marry the person u love, its said that true love feels like heaven on earth.
but the latter, we might have to think about. have our lifes brought joy to the people around us?

the busket list is a nice movie, a typical nice movie i would say.
so if ur looking for a movie to laugh ur hearts out, this is NOT the movie.
but i guess its a worthy movie to watch, especially during off peak periods =)

back by popular demand

2007-12-13T06:55:00.000-08:00

alrite, im back!
due to popular demand, the irresistible colby, is back!!!
haha, happy now desiree?

Well, finally the exams for our mid-sem are over and well, i just wanna say that we, my friends and i, had a great time on tuesday... ain't i right?

Disclaimer: i dun believe that a blog should be a place where ppl come and dump their own day's itinerary for ppl to get bored over. in fact i think that a blog should be a place where you express yourself and to all the dumb ppl out there that can't tell the diff between expressing yourself and boring others, well... i dun really know how to help you so dun bother^^

Alright, i just got to recommend the place that we ate steamboat at... its some sichuan ma la place at bugis and for just 15 bucks per person, you get to eat all you like and mind you it was delicious... whoever that thinks that the steamboat at marina bay was fantastic, wait till you tried what i've tried... its not about the fact that its a buffet but more like you will feel comfortable eating there. i mean how many times have you ate at marina bay and at the end you dun really feel like you ate anything cause everything was either burnt or just not appetizing? well, words are words after all, so to all those who got a few bucks to spend, put my recommendation to the test and pls try to make reservations before going there cause its really popular.

oh and i just got to say this. Singaporeans, what in the name of the father got almighty is wrong with you ppl? did something catastrophic happen to the bloodline of singapore in the past? why, and i repeat myself, WHY is it that you guys (and i meant guys mostly) just can't get yourself off all the vulgarities? this goes out especially to all the ah beng wannabes, do you seriously, i mean seriously, think that shouting a whole bunch of vulgarities will make you seem cool? do you seriously think that knowing a whole dictionary worth of vulgarities would impress that girl at the bus stop? give me a break! and now suddenly i am reminded of something, i dun think those ah beng wannabes would read and in fact understand and comprehend this vast information that i am trying to shove down their stubborn, wayward, tiny brain! wenhui, if you see this, i am really just fed up of seeing and listening to these bunch of retards from the pit of twit valley trying to seem cool with their overly long fringe, over sized ugly design IP zone kinda of t-shirt, 3 quarter pants that obviously is my grandma's fashion and the classic converse slipper (you know those kinda that is kinda like cloth type furry looking with a big fat strip across your feet showing all your toes that kind?) and blasting their really tasteless playlist on their really lousy sound quality phone on a really noisy bus and their talking to their fellow mismatches as if they own the bus and all the *** **** ******** *uc* $%^#@#*^*#! and at the same time thinking that they are really really cool and shuai!
sorry for all the bad english and seemingly wrong sentence structure. but thinking about them and writing about them had somehow influenced me. *yuck*

Disclaimer 2: i still love them! but i just dislike them and i cant stand them =)

i really dunno what to write now that its ruined by the ah beng culture! GOD, DELIVER ME FROM EVIL!
haha...

take care everyone
colby

been some time

2006-10-19T08:57:00.000-07:00

its been sometime since i lasted blog
well maybe sometimes is an understatement but dun anyone think tat blogging is kinda tiresome
and time consuming? which makes me wonder how there are some ppl out there tat spent hours blogging and reading other's blogs... is it so interesting? is there so much tat you wanna tell everyone and will it even be read?

erm, many things had happened sinced i last blogged
and its interesting how so much so much can happen but somehow you just dun feel the wind.
its like everything is nothing
(understand? can your simple mind comprehend the vast knowledge tat i'm trying to funnel down to you? ^ ^ joking...)

life on the road
life on the couch
life smooth and sweet
life rough and beat

forget wadever i just wrote...

Question:
if you were walking along the road and see 8 scattered coins on the floor, wad does your intelligence tell you?
Answer:
someone must have drop it there

Question:
if you see 8 coins stacked neatly 4 by 4 next to each other, wad does your intelligence tell you?
Answer:
someone must have put it there intentionally
Why:
because it shows intelligent design of law and order

so when you look ard your world and wad your science teacher tells you, tat we live in a universe of?
LAW AND ORDER!!!
so wad does it mean?
the universe was not created by random
but by wad?
AN INTELLIGENT DESIGN!

do you conprehend this??? wow isn't it? well enless you can prove to me tat thru random you can produce a product of order eg. randomly throwing the coins till they get stacked 4 by 4.

dun argue ^ ^

sitting beside you

2006-09-02T09:52:00.000-07:00

put your head on my shoulder
for once in my life...

even for just a short while
it seemed enough
to satisfy me
after a long hunger
not a hunger for the natural things
but a hunger for more than wad the world can give
a thirst for the feeling
a thirst for tat touch

finally today i get a taste of it
even if its not the fullness of it all
but just a little of you
makes the difference between
life and death

gave.the.seat.to.an.auntie

precious gift

2006-08-22T06:25:00.000-07:00

thank you
for everything and anything

i have the free will
and i give the free will

choices made by this free will is true

^ ^

body check up

2006-08-22T06:10:00.000-07:00

today went to CMPB, central man power base to have my body check up for NS
im not going to enlist into NS, just tat by right have to since im not in any school right now
but will get the thingy to postpone it
anyway
it was a unique experience, first time having a full body check up ^ ^
and when i heard joel said tat alot of the medics in the army are like gays or sissy
i tot he was just joking or at least not tat serious but oh my tian he is so very serious
i saw alot alot, not all, of those medics tat are in uniform and they are, well some had the word i am gay written all over their face while others are just a little more femine
yup
so i had to do blood test, dental, eye, x-ray, etc etc
and there was this station 6...
when i opened the door and got in
i realised why it is the only station with the doors closed
everyone in it was half naked ^ ^
we got to strip down to our pants and do some body check up like ECG for our heart and chest
then height and weight and blood pressure
and then there we are suppose to see the doctor and show him our, erm... under there for a brief moment ^ ^
and i dun think they will allow the "fabulous" to be doctors right? i hope not ^ ^
anyway they told me i got a very slight colour blindness and an not so good nose
so i got into PesB wadever tat is...
then came the long wait for some i think its IQ thingy test
it was so so tough
imagine having to do 23 questions in 11 mins
and they test on maths, physic, logic, some rotaional thingy tat i really dunno wad they wan me to do and many IQ questions. think i did not so well except for my physic one ^ ^
but pls dun let them post mi into engineer (heard they are really xin ku from Mac)
anyway
this check up is kinda useless cause it will expire in one years time
and i still got to go thru poly before entering NS, so its pointless and a big big waste of my time.
we were told tat the whole thing shd last for only abt 2 hours
i reported at 9.50
and only got out at 2 going to 3 pm...
ya right, 2 hours *hmph*

anyway, thanks ^ ^
was so bored waitiing *smiles*

so near yet so far poem

2006-08-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

leaning against the wall of the train
feeling the rumble
and the tumble
and the sound of the crowd around
but all seemed silent and still

the world around seemed unimportant
as they slide away from my vision
everyone seemed to paused
and the world seemed to stop
i've entered my world

in my world i wish for this
and this alone i wish
tat time can reverse
back to the night when i was holding a flower
standing against the railing
waiting

in my world i wish
that tat day will never end
tat the walk will never end
and the wait will never stop
and hope my mum will never come

in my world i wish
tat i can live alone
without tat woman tat i'm made to call mum
and without tat man i've to call dad
wad have they given me tat i can call precious
is it only because i was born
and so im in debt

then i wish for my world to really come true
where no one dies or gets hungry
where i can sit by the pool
and no longer will i have to cry

sick of crying sick of quarrelling
sick of this so near yet so far crap
all i wan is so near and so near it stays

.ouch.

so near yet so far

2006-08-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

i dun mean for it to be like this
im sorry
its not the normal jealousy
but just a jealousy tat i wish i can be like him
to be able to be myself and do the things i want to do
did God gave me desires and feelings only to be asked to be subjected to Him
then why give me any when all i am expected to do is to do wad You wan me to do

i have been thinking abt your question or more like wad you said
and really
i too wished tat i can do the same
to dun care abt wad everyone else thinks
but then again
i feel so weak if i do tat
can i not last for just a month
but its only a week and time seemed to be crawling so slowly
why can't time move faster?
why must it purposely make me suffer even more
too much la...

i dunno how to or wad to say to express how it feels like now
but in short, i dun like it
i dun like a single bit of it at all
you understand
wish sometimes i can just be like how i was last time
i can just say i dun care
but i can't anymore

.ouch.

ever get the feeling

2006-08-16T03:41:00.000-07:00

ever get the feeling tat you are all alone?
got no one to turn to
you dun speak much with your mum
and the who you wan to speak to you can't
then i was told to turn to God
yes he understands
and yes he knows
but then there is a limit where he can help you isn't it?
he is still god afterall and i am just a motal-being
there is a distance btw us no matter how close you get
cause he can't literally touch you still

so wad now?
but to keep it all down
to press it hard and stomp it up
to find this little box
and putting it all in
and hoping tat you can keep it close until the time is to open it up again
you try to hide it so tat you wouldn't think abt it
but somehow you just can't seem to escape from it
for it will appear before you again and again
then you cry
but you are happy at the same time
because you actually love the content of the box
but just can't take it out
so then again you try to put it aside
and move on
for the time-being
but it just appear before you again and again
everywhere you go, you bring along your phone
even if its just to the living room or the the showers, you will make sure your phone is with you and not in silent mode. but then when you begin thinking abt your actions, you laugh and how stupid can you get? your phone will never ring again or will it beep when a msg comes in
so why are you still holding on to it where ever you go?
then i said
i dunno. i just can't let go

more.than.this

past the excitement

2006-08-03T03:29:00.000-07:00

ever wonder who on earth is reading your blog?
then sometimes ppl who read your blog thinks too much abt wad you write and suspision starts... haha, tat the fun of blogs i think, you get to say things and be stupid abt wad you say so ppl can't fault you for saying it...
anyways
was reading a book by Dr Phil (dunno spell correctly a not cause i returned the book already) and its not the ccc pastor, its some expert love doctor and he wrote a book called Women are stupid and men are dumb. its kinda interesting, dunno why i borrowed it but it just caught my attention...
well, he point out a very important and i think, well, important issue on the difference btw BGRs and marriage couples.
he said tat when you get into a relationship, there will always be alot of initial excitements and passions tat will be going on and it is a wonderful time. but he said tat the difference btw the touch and go BGRs and the marriage kind is tat after all the initial excitements have gone, it is then tat the deciding factor comes to whether the relationship will last or not.
he said tat during tat period of time, both parties are able to think clearer and often begin asking if tat man or woman is who they are going to and willing to spend the rest of their lifes with.
think tat is so true...
its when commitment sets in do touch and go couples break up
well
marriage is a new chapter of life
tat comes after engagement ring, then wedding ring
and wad follows it is often suffer-ring
wahaha... joking...
can't wait for pst kong to continue of the marriage series... its so interesting ^^

i.am.serious

bored at home

2006-08-01T02:49:00.000-07:00

hey anyone knows of any places tat is hiring?
i dun mind office jobs, think i will try a office job just to see how bad it can get, anything is better than staying at home and rot =(

its a pity tat life is so short
and so long at the same time
its too short to make life perfect but too long for out limited patience...
how i wish humans can live till a few hundred years old but not being tat freaking old till we can't even walk, maybe 100 years old will only be like 40 now... tat will be so nice
then we have all the time we need to amend the mistakes tat we have made and
take our time to appreciate and love whenever you wan to and not be rushed by your busy schedule to move on from tat one hug you miss the most

life for me starts after 12 midnight and only last for abt 2 hours to 3 sometimes
the rest of the day is just pure boredom
and when you are so bored
you got lots of time to think and let tat train of thoughts run wild and far far away
was thinking abt marriage
a tv show said tat there are many pros and one con abt marriage
the con is tat marriage will make you forget abt the pros of marriage
is tat true? i dunno... never knew how a good marriage is like even though heard so much abt it
is there really a suffer-ring behind each wedding ring?

haix
dun feel like writing anything le...
losing alot of interest in stuffs these days... ~_~

problems

2006-07-26T22:13:00.000-07:00

wad shd i do now?
wad shd i do now?
i cannot and dun wan to accept it!
can guess wad would happen already but why shd it happen?
why can't it be all different and simplier?
is wad we do even wrong?

there's no way! no way! no way!!!
i will not accept it!!!

come wad may!
i can't bring myself to accept tat
i really can't

T_____________T

i miss you

2006-07-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

its funny how 2 days can seem like a lifetime
and how 2 months can seemed like forever
but
then again, there are times when 2 days seemed like 2 secs
and 2 months like 2 days

time seemed to be how we perceive it to be
forgot who was it but one famous scientist said tat the value of time is a perception
so tat's why when you stare down the barrel of a gun, time seemed to freeze, every sec seemed to be dragging its feat, allowing your fears to manifest to its fullest potential and might.

and there are times when you are enjoying yourself
having fun, being with the one you truely love
time seemed to fly by, trying its best to disappoint you when she said she have to go home or when it too late for the two of you to be sitting by the swimming pool...
or when you are waiting for her
15 mins seemed like 15 hours, you are constantly looking at the time only to find tat it has only been 5 secs sinced you last looked at it again.
and after only 2 days sinced you have seen her, you begin missing her, feeling like its been 2 months sinced you seen her sparkling eyes and tat perfect smile or feel the warmth and excitement of her hug and the tug of the string in your heart when its time to walk away.
missing someone can be a joy and a torture together dun you think?
like jam and salt slapped between 2 pieces of bread
missing someone is like happily walking on a treadmile trying to move forward
time drags by multiplying tat miss in your heart
but at the same time because you miss her, you think of her. you picture her in your mind and unconsciously a smile surfaces on your face and you're lost in your fantasy till reality hits you again and you begin cursing time for passing so slowly...
^^
its all too familiar isn't it?
question
how would you feel if you have found the greatest gift of all ( second to jesus =p)
but you fear of telling the world world abt it
because you are scared tat they will disagree with it
and ask you to let it go
but you know tat you cannot let it go
because its you're greatest gift
and losing it is like losing your right hand, your right leg
losing tat organ tat pumps in your chest
wad do you do?
is the forbidden fruit really the sweetest? i dun think so. it is if its temporary but wad if for long it will lose its taste unitil it is brought to the light and a nice sweetness, a taste of everlasting joy sets in. and last forever, never to lose its taste...

you're.the.cake.i.am.hungry.

day of longs

2006-07-25T20:34:00.000-07:00

wad the hell am i doing?

2006-07-23T08:20:00.000-07:00

i can't stand it anymore
all parents damage their child!
today shd be a happy day. i went out met up and i love it but why did this happen?
why do i hate going home so much? why why why?! im so frustrated man! so tired of this, tired of hating both of them. one walked away and the other stayed on just to make things more miserable. why me? why do i have to be tat unlucky one. the one with the broken family. ever since they broke up i didn't wan to think abt it i just wanna pretend tat i am not affected by it that i can't be bothered by it and i dun wan to care but who can actually really do tat? we will only to lying to ourselves and the problem will resurface again!
todays is suppose to be happy. it was happy, sitting by the pool.looking to my right.dropping my phone. it is almost perfect but why did it end up like this?
nobody like to go back to a broken home, somehow the other world seemed more loving than tat roof. the night sky and benches seemed more comfortable than tat bed at home.
argh!
why me why me why me why me why me dun ask me why not me! you ppl dunno how it is like! how many are the times when i dreamt abt wakng up living a different life, in a normal family with non of these bullshit. waking up to see not just my mum asleep alone but with my dad. it hurts man to go to east coast and see dads and mums holding hands and pretending tat i am not affected by it. to start crying in the bathe asking god why me. if this is a game god is playing, well it is not fun! how i wish i just press quit and get away from all these!
TODAY IS SUPPOSE TO BE HAPPY! why why why!
there is this real family tat i noe, and i just envy them, hiding in a corner, all i can do is wishing i was like tat. your family i will call it.
i love your family. your humourous dad and funny mum. your deep relationships and love for one another. you are just one big happy family with no worries no cracks and no smears in your family. you are whole, you are brought up so well. in an envoirnment tat understands and love you, you are whole you are complete. you have so much tat you can give to me but i have non to give. i am like a selfish tortise, while i was growing up, my shell was taken away from me. never the same again. my tot tat the world was perfect was shattered by a man and instead of covering me with a blanket, a woman push me out into the light. i am ashame of my family, or wadever tats left of it.
why why why! WHY! really why! is there an end to all this? will it one day just go away and i can just get along and move away from this bucket of shit?
your family, you. its your reality but its only my dream, a dream tat i can only dream abt but never get. your love is like this the platelets in my blood... it stops the bleeding.
would i bleed to death if its not for you
are you here for a reason? beyond the love but to rescue me?
thank you

how is crying going to help me?
stop crying!
never will i let a tear drop because of my family.
never...
all parents damage their child

NASA

2006-07-16T22:18:00.000-07:00

went to NASA's space centre today
you know the one where the command centre for all NASA space flight and space station control is, in Houston... tats why they have "Houston, we have a problem".
you know you know?
well, went for the tour and saw the actual command centre, the old one, the one tat send Armstrong to the moon and the first space shuttle into space in 1981... its so small, i always tot it was bigger but its kinda small and they told us tat the technology tat they had were so primitive when they send man into space... they were using IBM's dunno wad model tat was has a mainframe tat is as large as a room and the working capability of all the 15 consoles is less than a personal computer we have now... so come to think of it, its like taking a catapult and trying to shoot someone into space with only one hand... get it? i mean they had such low tech and the astronauts must have been dame brave because the computers they have at tat time might not be good enough to detect an obvious problem tat a model comp will take 2 sec to realise... so its like sitting your ass on a flare and hoping it wouldn't bbq you...
ok, the above were actually quotes i heard from some home grown texas man sitting behind me in the tram talking abt the space centre... haha...

so now its confirmed tat i will be coming back soon...
im full of excitement and oso full of fear...
for one instant, i have sort of backslide pretty badly since i got here, haven't been attending church regularly and haven't been reading the bible and praying alot... so... kinda disappointed with myself and scared abt how i will be when i get back into CHC and all tat... i mean i really wan to get back there and be like before but i am afraid tat after so long of not going to church i might not feel comfortable but then i can hear wenhui or someone in my head saying tat even if its not comfortable, press hard thru it and you will breakthru... ok! so be it!
so ppl, help me out abit ok? i dun mean doing all the preaching to me abt having faith and all tat, i know enough but i just wanna feel it all! show me faith, dun just tell me!
kinda down lately, cause gonna miss my lovable and yet irritating little brother cody... aww... cody and colby... so nice right? but he is so fat! his only like 2 years going to 3 soon but his wearing 4 years plus clothes and its kinda embarrassing when he is so big but still hold a milk bottle ard when we go out... like some retarded kid, but his still cute, with his bowl-cut hair, i think the hair dresser really put a bowl on his head... haha...
man... dunno how is it gonna be like when i get back to singapore, will everything be the same or will things change? will things go back to normal or will everything take on a new road tat will never merge with the old...
i wan things to change and be new and fresh, but i dun wanna feel uncomfortable like i from somewhere else...
have been checking my emails alot these days...
receiving some mails from my friend but sadly not receiving one... =(
but its ok, i know the reason but haha, still sad ma... but i am still ok, still strong and up!
so many things i wanna do, dunno where to start...
really dunno wad am i writing now cause im kinda tired from todays trip but then just wanna write something and say something...

ever heard the phrase full circle?
im gonna say a story here... dun wanna listen nvm, i dun need your attention! wahahahaha... =P
he opened his tired eyes,
it was dark, except for the dimly lit standing lamp at the corner of the room
2 am in the morning
he got up, now a routine, and found his clutches. sitting on the side of the bed, he heaved himself up with much effort but as little noise and movement as possible. walking slowly, he walked to the bathroom, turn on the lights and looked into the mirror.
despite looking at himself many times before, he still found himself always a little surprise when he sees his own appearance. there in tat sheet of glass, like a book of a story, it showed the outline of a old old man, one tat lived thru life much like any other man in the world, working as a hotel CEO before his retirement many years ago, pursuing the same old goals that had plagued humanity with, money and fame.
now the old man looks into the mirror. he had not lived a bad life, got a good job, a good life, went to church, confident tat he will go to heaven when he dies, have a wonderful family, wonderful friends, but one most special which we will talk abt later.
he closed his eyes, it seemed like a long long time back, in the foggy blur of his memories, he could still remember his childhood, when he went to primary school the friends he made, some he still kept in contact today and one everyday... he remember his secondary school, life was full of energy, girls, work and defiance against the teacher for reasons tat seemed totally idiotic now... then came pre-U and NS and university... all these seemed to pass rather quickly... it surprised him tat the considered most important education period of his life, the preU and after did have as much a place in his memories as compared to the days in his primary school... he was young, playful, full of ideas and a whole lot of mischief. oh how sweet were those days, but little did he knew tat sweeter days would come and so sweet where those days tat the sugar could still be felt and even tasted in his old worn tongue til this day.
it was during his young adult years and late teen years... when he met his wife, well, they met a long time back and were friends since young, talk abt match made in heaven... but it was only till then when this girl came into his life and never left again.
he remembered all the things they did, all the typical couple must-dos back in those days and thought seemed rather dumb now, were the sweetest things tat ever happened... all too well he remember... all too well rehearsed in his mind tat he now would glance thru them all like a slideshow under 5 seconds and the final scene would always be his smiling face, so full of joy, so full of anticipation and so full of the love tat he got and still has today, his wedding day.
opening his eyes, the intense light blurred his vision.
when it came back, he saw not tat young man, but a wrinkled face, with spots of old age "pimples" as many called it. his cheeks were a little sagging and his head, well, bald except for tat few strand of white hair still stand on tat barren land like victorious soldiers standing after all hard battle with time, but knowing tat victory would soon be lost and forever gone... the old man took a deep breathe and went abt with his business. on his way out, before hitting the lights, he took one last look into the mirror, a vain habit since young and surprisingly still saw hints of a handsome man under tat old skin.
wobbling, he staggered back to bed, back to tat sweet dream abt sitting on a beach, looking up the starry night and big bright moon with the woman he sees now...
lying there like an angel, still deep in dreamland, was the woman tat enter his life but never left, whom bought a one-way ticket tat would never expire or refunded, his lovely wife. despite the younger ppl's view of love btw old couples, tat is tat there was no more fire, no more love but only to suck it up and live till you die. but tat was not wad he sees, he sees beyond the earthly scar, beyond that wrinkled face. its something words can never describe.
inching back to his side of the bed, lying down, he turned his head to his right. taking one last sight of the one tat matters more tat anything to him. he closes his eyes, back to sleep. only this time, he was holding his wife's hand.

wad a lovely story dun you think?
haha, dun mind the english and grammar errors or spelling mistakes... im no writer...
but isn't this the perfect old life anyone can dream abt?
accomplishing wad you have been on earth to do, and having tat special someone by your side...
no worries, no problems...
just to get on with the ride to its final stop and to enjoy every moment of it, while holding the wrinkled hands of tat special someone knowing tat you are both gonna finish the ride a happy man and woman...
wow!
i really shd think abt being a writer and philospher...
haha... ^^
hope you know wad i am trying to say.
my dream and my destiny

20th july

2006-07-15T23:03:00.000-07:00

okok, i got the news you all have been waiting for!
the date is 20th july, thursday 12.55am
so its wednesday late night!
so anyone coming to fetch me?
or must i take the lonely MRT home? but still have meh? haha...
but i still got my mummy to come and fetch me!!!

yea yea... 5 more days!!! actually its only 2 more days for me...
my flight is on tuesday, 9am... last for so long right? skip one day plus... haix, i will lost a day man... so not fair right? there is so much tat i can do in one day and i have to spend tat entire day strapped to a very uncomfortable chair and looking at nothing but hopefully there will be a small screen in front of me...
haix... one day gone like tat... a day tat i can spend at sentosa, a day i can spend in a library (nerd i know) but i love to read now...
okok...
so the date is set, pass the word around,
make banners and form a crowd,
and come and get me!!!
lol...
^ ^

i.miss.you

bad bad dream

2006-07-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

oh my tian!
i had the creepiest and scariest (is there such a word) dream last night...
and i mean its really scary and creepy... told calista abt it, and she was freaking out... haha, at least i think she is...
^ ^ worried

ok, here is my dream.
from where i can remember, i was walking in some kind of mall and along this escalator, when i look up, i saw my primary school friend and in sort of an expected way, and they were so surprise to see me as if it was the cell grp ppl... there were zhi wen, xin miao, yenzi and who else ar? i, not sure if calista appeared here or after that...
ok, so then zhi wen told me that xin miao wanted to watch a movie called "jian" (dun ask me abt the name of the movie, i oso dunno why its called jian) so they wanted me to watch and it was like im suppose to watch with them... ok... so then suddenly i was watching this trailer of the movie or more like a Q&A session with the actors, and so edison chen i think was the main lead and he was saying that ever since he shot the movie, it changed him alot and oh, he was bald and wearing a visor ( i noe its very weird) and he was saying that now he just feel like killing someone <--- i noe i noe...
ok, so now the scene suddenly changed, we were no longer watching the movie but in the movie... so now we were sitting ard this white rectangle fold table and the whole place seemed very bright and white, background's kinda blur blur... ok, so sitting opp me was calista's sis ( word of warning, my dreams are kinda random so the ppl tend to get switch ard often) and to her left was calista, and then it was at first yenzi then became fangling and at the end was xin miao... so then we were just sitting there not much conversations been spoken... then in front ever one of them was a manila file thing but no one opened it...
then suddenly the scene chaged to wad seemed like a flashback to wad happened... i was not there, so i was like a spectator like in CS, you are not there but you can see wads going on noe wad i mean? ok, then it was a bright sunny day and calista, xin miao, fangling and cal's sis were at the swampy land and some how they became undeads ( yes, like zombie)
okok, for the ppl that i've mentioned here, if you dun wish to read on pls dun, cause wad happened in my dream is very creepy and i dun wish to stir up any fear because of this random movie which now that i think of it was because i watched before this hong kong movie where this whole shopping centre's ppl became undeads... and this emily hill's horror of something like that de hollywood movie...
ok, so then somehow edison chen appeared and he was holding a gun and somehow this seemed like in the movie... ok, so he as shooting everyone and the everyone was you noe , the ppl at the swamp? ok... but you noe since they were undeads, they dun die that easier and then skip skip skip all the plain shooting and then finally he killed all of them... ( i noe i noe... its scary, but not the scariest yet) and you noe the gme house of the undead? you have to shoot the head to kill undeads? so everyone was pretty badly shot and their facial features were pretty in a mess...
ok so then suddenly we were back to the rect table... everyone look normal, and pretty...
then in the file was 2 photos of themselves, their body, so it was kinda not such a pretty sight but i never see their photos but i just noe in the dream that they were all pretty gross... except for calista's one it look alright...
ok, so this is creepy dun you think, looking at your own corpse?
in the dream at the point then i realised that they were dead and gone... then i became so so sad and then started crying... then my dad appeared and told them that its time to go, i dunno wad that means... but all of them stood up and were abt to walk away... that was when i did something but couldn't do it, i did it but it could not be done... i was so dame sad and i cried my heart out... then i woke up suddenly...
Oh my tian so creepy right?
when i woke up i found that my pillow was wet...

i noe that this dream carries no meaning or warning or any of those bs
but still i was so scared at first...
so for those who were mentioned in my dream, sorry if you're affected by this and dun worry and have faith, our lives are in the hands of god!

oh, dun go psyco yourself and scare yourself ok?
haha...
^ ^

time for god

2006-07-03T16:30:00.000-07:00

received this email from a friend
thank trish (dunno how to spell the full name... haha) it helped me alot...
anyway, i read this and at the end something struck me, something this email didn't say so i decided to post this here for those who haven't read to read if you wan...

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Only if you have time for God Let me tell you, make sure you read all the way to the bottom. I almost deleted this email but I was blessed when I got to the end
God, when I received this e-mail, I thought... I don't have time for this... And, this is really inappropriate during work.
Then, I realized that this kind of thinking is... Exactly, what has caused lot of the problems in our world today.
We try to keep God in church on Sunday morning...
Maybe, Sunday night...
And, the unlikely event of a midweek service.
We do like to have Him around during sickness...
And, of course, at funerals........
However, we don't have time, or room, for Him during work or play...
Because.. That's the part of our lives we think... We can, and should, handle on our own.
May God forgive me for ever thinking...
That... there is a time or place where..
HE is not to be FIRST in my life.
We should always have time to remember all HE has done for us.
If, You aren't ashamed to do this...
Please follow the directions.
Jesus said, "If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father."

Not ashamed?

Pass this on ONLY IF YOU MEAN IT!!

Yes, I do Love God.

HE is my source of existence and Savior.

He keeps me functioning each and every day. Without Him, I will be nothing. But, with Christ, HE strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)

This is the simplest test.

If You Love God... And, are not ashamed of all the marvelous things HE has done for you...

Send this to ten people and the person who sent it to you!

I don't think I know 10 people who would admit they love Jesus. Do You love Him?

THE POEM

I knelt to pray but not for long, I had too much to do. I had to hurry and get to work For bills would soon be due. So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,

And jumped up off my knees.

My Christian duty was now done

My soul could rest at ease.

All day long I had no time

To spread a word of cheer. No time to speak of Christ to friends,

They'd laugh at me I'd fear........

No time, no time, too much to do,

That was my constant cry,

No time to give to souls in need

But at last the time, the time to die.

I went before the Lord, I came, I stood with downcast eyes. For in his hands God held a book; It was the book of life.

God looked into his book and said

"Your name I cannot find .

I once was going to write it down...

But never found the time"

Now do you have the time to pass it on?

Make sure that you scroll through to the end.

Easy vs. Hard

Why is it so hard to tell the truth but Yet so easy to tell a lie?

Why are we so sleepy in church but Right when the sermon is over we suddenly wake up?

Why is it so hard to talk about God but yet so easy to talk about nasty stuff?

Why is it so boring to look at a Christian magazine, but yet so easy to look at a nasty one?

Why is it so easy to delete a Godly e-mail, but yet we forward all of the nasty ones?

Why are the churches getting smaller but yet the bars and dance clubs are getting larger?

Do you give up? Think about it. Are you going to forward this, or delete it?

Just remember-God is watching you. Prayer Wheel-Let's see the devil stop this one!

Here's what the wheel is all about. When you receive this, say a prayer for the person that sent it to you....

That's all you have to do...........

There is nothing attached...........

This is so powerful....

Do not stop the wheel, please....

Of all the free gifts we may receive, Prayer is the very best one....

There are no costs, but wonderful rewards... GOD BLESS!

May God keep you and bless you. If this doesn't give you chills, nothing will...this message is very true. Hope you are all as blessed as I was from this story. I wonder how many people will delete this without reading it because of the title on it?

There once was a man named George Thomas, pastor in a small New England town. One Easter Sunday morning he came to the Church carrying a rusty, bent, old bird cage, and set it by the pulpit. Eyebrows were raised and, as if in response, Pastor Thomas began to speak..."I was walking through town yesterday when I saw a young boy coming toward me swinging this bird cage. On the bottom of the cage were three little wild birds, shivering with cold and fright. I stopped the lad and asked, "What you got there, son?" "Just some old birds," came the reply.

"What are you gonna do with them?" I asked.

"Take 'em home and have fun with 'em," he answered. "I'm gonna tease 'em and pull out their feathers to make 'em fight. I'm gonna have a real good time" "But you'll get tired of those birds sooner or later. What will you do?"

"Oh, I got some cats," said the little boy. "They like birds. I'll take 'em to them."

The pastor was silent for a moment. "How much do you want for those birds, son?"

"Huh?? !!! Why, you don't want them birds, mister. They're just plain old field birds. They don't sing. They ain't even pretty!"

"How much?" the pastor asked again.

The boy sized up the pastor as if he were crazy and said, "$10?"

The pastor reached in his pocket and took out a ten dollar bill. He placed it in the boy's hand. In a flash, the boy was gone.

The pastor picked up the cage and gently carried it to the end of the alley where there was a tree and a grassy spot Setting the cage down, he opened the door, and by softly tapping the bars persuaded the birds out, setting them free.

Well, that explained the empty bird cage on the pulpit, and then the pastor began to tell this story.

One day Satan and Jesus were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating and boasting. "Yes, sir, I just caught the world full of people down there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"

"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.

Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"

"And what will you do when you get done with them?" Jesus asked. "Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly. "How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked

"Oh, you don't want those people. They ain't no good. Why, you'll take them and they'll just hate you. They'll spit on you, curse you and kill you. You don't want those people!!"

"How much?" He asked again.

Satan looked at Jesus and sneered, "All your blood, tears and your life."

Jesus said, "DONE!"

Then He paid the price.

The pastor picked up the cage he opened the door and he walked from the pulpit.

Notes: Isn't it funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell.

Isn't it funny how someone can say "I believe in God" but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes" in God).

Isn't it funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing?

Isn't it funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them.

Isn't it funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

ok, remember when the pastor set the birds free?
it got me thinking, so why didn't the pastor keep the birds and care for it? i mean they will definitely live better with him taking care of them right?
but instead he set them free... why?

this is wad i tot...
if the pator kept them, surely they will live better and definitely be safe, but thats not wad being a bird is abt, thats not wad being alive is abt... life is a road, a journey of danger, ups, downs, left turns and right turns... yes it is tiring, yes it is dangerous and we might even lose our life to it, but wad is life without all these? birds are not meant to be in cages and so is man not in cloud nine, getting everything, a perfect life.
maybe thats why the world is wad it is today, it might not be perfect or far from perfect but its wad made the world the world... risk is part of life, and so are we. the two are inevitable to collide but its these collisions that makes life this much more colourful, this much more interesting. dull colours are still colours, imagine how boring a painting will look with only bright colours?
then the pastor set it free, the bird is on its own... the pastor saved it and set it free... he is still there when the birds need him but they are more or less on their own regarding surviving... maybe its not the best illustration but it still shows something...we are saved, bought, and set free... we make our own decisions, whether that decision is to listen to god or based on our self intelligence, we still have the final decision... so lets make good use of this priviledge and dun do stupid things like getting yourself killed or harmed, spiritually, morally, or even physically... we are free to do wadever we wan and therefore our lives is a responsiblity of our own... be responsible for we are bought and not our's to keep...

ok done...
ok, i updated my blog ok???? ^ ^
comp got problem... haix...

oh i will be coming back soon... by july ar least =)

i.miss.you

love is a feeling

2006-06-25T19:52:00.000-07:00

ok, its been a long time since i wrote mi blog...
cause my comp is invaded by lots of virus and spyware... haix... dunno download wad then get all these... haix, so causing alot of trouble so didn't have to mood to write blog... ^^

anyway,
heard somewhere someone said this:
love is not a decision
it is a feeling
if its a decision
it would be much simplier
but it would lose its magic

well, it got me thinking...
i mean many of the times we try to make the right decision and try to do wads right regardless of our feelings and wad our heart and screaming abt... we think that by doing that we are doing the right thing... sometimes its true, but sometimes, it is not...
we have seen many examples... when someone decide to marry someone that he or she doesn't really love but still did so because it is the right decision and the so called wiser thing to do...
but then if love, LOVE! is decided by the mind and not the heart, then isn't love just another decision that is processed by our mind? just like whether to eat noodles or rice... wouldn't that cheapen the value and power of this very powerful and magical thing?

then i got to me then many ppl say man (as in guys) have no feelings... that we are the logic creatures with no respect for love or any emotions...
but i beg to differ... i mean, it is difficult enough being a guy, with all the expectations and standards that we have to uphold and in a relationship, we are suppose to be the proactive one, the one that contribute and give... i have no problem with that but i just cannot agree when ppl say guys have no emotions that we are cold-blooded animals... just because we dun cry because of every little thing and let our emotions burst forth in every situation doesn't mean we dun care... i mean if you ask a guy, have he ever cried because of a relationship whether in public or in private, mostly will say yes and normally its in private... i dunno how the girls feel but when a guy's heart is broken or so it says, it is a very painful feeling... so painful so painful that it hurts up the arm and legs... i asked my friends and they agree with me... and guys are always the one that will be the idiot that regardless of wadever, will do wadever the girl says... i mean its hard to explain or describe but its true... if a guy truely love a girl and like say she drops into the ocean... i dun think the girls will jump into a stormy ocean to save a drowning guy but a guy will and i dun think the fact that guys are stronger has any play in this when both genders are definitele overpowered by the waves... the guy will risk wadever hell there is to save the girl so its just not fair that ppl says tat guys are creatures with no emotions...
^^ dunno wad i just said makes any sense or not but... wadever~~ ^^

so im gonna go with my feeling in this...
even if its dumb, i will come for you...
no stormy sea or howling wind
no thousand miles or high mountains
will come across me and you
because the we can see the same side of the moon
its the emotions that will break any mountain...

i.miss.you

surfing

2006-06-17T20:30:00.000-07:00

today, went to Galveston again...
but we went to the beach today, like really go to the beach and play in the water and sand the whole day, not like the last time go and catch crabs... haha...
ok, the important thing today is that i went surfing... =)
this is how the day went

woke up really early today, like 9am...
then got everything ready and we were on our way.
so we got to the beach after like 2 hrs, cause a highway called interstate 10 is closed.
we at first went to this place called moody garden, they got a aquamuseum, like underwater world in sentosa, a rainforest thingy, and a indoor beach... quite cool but by the time we got there, we deceided to just go straight to the beach and play since already 12 noon le...
the sun wasn't like there cause got alot of clouds and the beach has lots of seagulls...
so we drove our car to the beach and parked there on the sand, and unloaded our stuff...
rented a unit thing where there is a beach umbrella and 2 folding chair...
oh, the wind was really really big... i heard it like 10 miles/hr so its like 16km/hr kind of wind and the waves are huge... lots of waves and all very high... singapore wave compare to it will be like tidal wave vs ripples in a lake...
anyway, the waves were tall and strong.
we went into the water and starting playing in the water and letting the waves crush into us while we try to withstand the force of the ocean...
there were alot of ppl surfing, not like real surfing cause the waves are not that big, but its something called body surfing, and the board is like smaller, like if you were to go to the swimming pool and see little kids that dunno how to swim and holding on to these boards to help them float, well, something like that only much bigger...
it was really fun...
so i went and rented one and since its my first time doing some kind of surfing, i didn't really noe wad to do, so there was this guy, ard 30+ years old, real cool dude...he told me how to catch a wave and wad type of waves to catch and wad to do if yopu dun wanna catch that wave... he's real nice... then after that he got to go so i was left on my own in the open waters of the Mexico Gulf i think waves crushing all ard me...
so i took the board ran out into till like a hundred metres out and started floating ard and looking for waves... every good waves is hard earned... <--- its so true... i mean i was like to tired at the end... but i caught some good waves... it was so fun... like when you see this big wave coming, like tall and on the verge of crushing and you are just in front of it, you hope of your board, with your upper body on the board and legs dangling... so then if its not a good wave, it will just push you forward abit but goes past you so you dun really get to ride it... but if its a good one, you will get ot ride it, i dunno the theory of it, but then you ride on the white foamy part of the wave and woa... you go pretty fast... think i caught like 5 good waves... then there was one super good one... but got into an accident...
this super high wave came towrds me so i was like yea! so i quicky try to hold on the board and twist myself so my back is facing it... then it came and i rode on it, but i dunno why, i was going too fast for the wave and i end up going past the front and the wave brought my tumbling forward into the sea... ouch lor, the board hit the sand and my tummy hit the board... ouch... and i flipped and took a mouthful of salty water... but it was fun... i manage to come up and luckly the board was strapped to my hand... if not sure lose it de...
ar... now so tired... me legs ar... keep swimming out using my legs only and then when a wave that you dun wan, you have to jump over it so have to kick and then hold your board up so that the wave will go under the board and then you're in the deep water... imagine... =)
but i had fun, got a little red on my skin... dunno the tan will remain a not... i hope it will...
i think skin abit red quite nice hor?
look very healthy...
haha... ok, gtg now...

i.miss.you

love for an idol and the love for someone

2006-06-13T21:16:00.000-07:00

EXTRA EXTRA read all abt it!!!
haha, recently just found son-ye-jin's fanclub website...
OMG! so many picture so many son ye jin, awwww...
ok, son-ye-jin fans, the wedsite is
www.sonyejin.org

but then while writing a certain email it struck me that there is a certain difference btw the love for an idol
and the true love you get when you meet that special someone...
on the outside both look similar, but there is a big difference...

there is a difference btw the love of an idol and the love for you
though they might seemed the same
but i will tell you their difference

one of the love you can spend nights queuing
but the other you can spend months waiting
one of the love you can spend your money on
but the other you can spend your life and time on

one of the love you can only see but no touch
but the other you can hold in your arm
one of the love you are only the spectator
but the other you are the player

one of the love you have to share
but the other is your's alone
one of the love only last a lifetime
but the other burns on forever

one of the love doesn't noe your existence
but the one dies without you
one of the love is weak and unstable
but the other digs deep into your soul

one of the love is for the world
but the other is for her
one of the love is for a stranger
but the other is for that dear

one of the love can only count to 2
but the other can count to 3
one of the love stops at 3 at most
but the other longed for a million more

one of the love you will chase after
but the other will chase after you
one of the love never returns your call
but the other is by your side all day long

one of the love will only visit the fanclub website
but the other will visit the home
one of the love only you wil scream for
but the other you can cry for

one of the love lost and its lost
but the other lost love is just love in another form
one of the love can only give you so much
but the other gives you all...

one of the love stops at the comp screen
but the other goes thru and gives you a hug
one of the love got nothing to say
but the other love will say, i love you!

hope this is long enough...
and hope you get wad i mean..
(both the difference and the meaning)

life brings love in many forms
find the one for yourself and your's alone...
i am lost and found

i.miss.you

galveston trip

2006-06-11T20:20:00.000-07:00

today went to galveston with my family.
it is a city with a beach so the beach is called galveston beach
it is the nearest beach from where we stay and where i stay is considered near a beach...
so we drove and hour and a half to the beach, yes that is considered near =)

so when we reach, we went to the ferry pier and queued in our car to get transported to this island and its so cool cause its like you drive your car onto the boat and park it there and some ppl will stay in their car while others will get out and start walking ard...
the ferry ride took abt 30 mins but it seemed shorter than that and it was really hot
abt 90 degree F, abt 32 degree C
kinda fun there cause we went to this beach with this long long break water extending out into the ocean i think its the Mexico Gulf and you can walk on it... got many ppl fishing there and we went to this shop to buy some chips when we saw that they were like selling this crabbers special package where they give you a net, a pail, a bunch of string and a packet of raw chicken meat for you to catch crabs...
i heard my dad said that last time abt a few years back
you can catch like a pail load of big crabs in just like half an hour
but over the few years, the chinese ppl came and caught finish most of the big crabs and now its kinda hard to get any anymore... how pro can the chinese ppl get wahahaha...
anyway, my dad was like well prepared,
he brought a beach umbrella, folding chairs and a icce box full of ice and coke and sprite =)
we manage to catch like only 7 crabs, which is actually not bad cause the last time i heard mi dad came, it took like a few hours just to catch one and we were there this time for only like 2 hours... maybe its all thanks to my talent in many fields and my chicken might just seemed irresistable to the silly crabs... oh, they were all very small, manage to get hold of a huge one but lost it when it snap thru the nets and escaped... haix, there goes dinner...
after a 2 hours of enduring the beating heat and glaring sun
and oso not to mention much ups and downs in out crabbing career
we decided to give up hope of a self achieved dinner and since everyone was hungry and dirty, we decided to go to a nice seafood grill and savour on the lost cousins and friends of the little crabs which we decided to let go back into the sea...
lunner (lunch and dinner) was alright
with occaional entertainment by the many harley davidson riders that roar tru the streets under the second storey balcony where we were sitting... and for the record, the roars and vrooms and booms of the harley harley is so loud that i couldn't even hear myself talking when they went by which serious make me doubt the rider's ability to hear himself or the horn of an approaching 18 wheeler =)
anyway, after lunner we went to the beach and my little brother played in the sand and in the oil infested water due to the oil field nearby...
ewww... it was like so dirty...
nothing mush to say abt after that except i drove the car on our way back...
it was a long ride and i was so tired...
so scared that i would fall asleep or just dream away and bang into the car in front...
but all's swell
and i manage to get back alive...
i am so tired now... with a little red skin and bruises on my feet...
time to enter la la land and to meet you
somewhere i can find =)

i.miss.you

long time never post

2006-06-10T21:21:00.000-07:00

ok, it has been sometime sinced i posted an entry...
aiyo... so ma fan nowadays to post an entry...
dunno wad to say
too lazy to log on haix...
but nevertheless, i have made it thru the obstacles and finally am here typing these simple words...
so like my song a not?
why nobody says its good good good?
too shy to be the first right? its ok de... =)
anyway...
have been so bored recently that i got reduced to playing mario online
can you believe it?
the great colby playing mario online
for those ppl that do not noe wad a mario online is,
imagine this, a mario-like game only you play it online with other ppl as a rpg
ring any bell?
okok... its maplestory
i use to criticise it as a no brainer game but then started to play it cause i sort of lost my brain due to the monotonous boredom that is droning on me day after day...
in the past few weeks, think its abt 4 weeks ba..
i finish 2 books
so proud of myself... 2 standard A5 thick thick book ok?
by John Grisham (the guy who wrote run away jury)

ok, enough boredom
the only thing that i have been doing nowadays is going for my drive times
as in driving ard with an instructor in your same car...
well, its kinda cool driving ard not knowing a single bit where am i going cause i dunno the roads and stuff but my dad commented when i was driving us home from chinatown in houston that i am driving pretty well, but if i were to take an exam in singapre, i would have failed terribly...
cause i change lane too fast and all the details that singapore driving school take a whole lot of concern abt maybe thats why the L drivers drive so slow... man if you just roll your tires onto the white line, points off... wouldn't it be so stressful if you're the candidate? OMG i can't imagine... its so much easiler here...
anyway, can't wait to get back to singapore soon...
my dad has finally allowed me to return
but now we are just arguing over the time i return
he wan me to go back at the end of the year
and i was like hell no! haha... not really but i was like no no no
i wanna return by july!! yea!!!
but i think it is possible...
i have a feeling i will be back soon!!! yea yea yea!!! join TP wake boarding... yea yea yea!! =)
06/06/06 has just past and man so many ppl are making a fuss out of it pior to that day
i mean even on maple there are nuts going ard screaming THE END IS COMING.. haha..
but i was too busy trying to gain my 15th lvl to argue with them...
ok, for the record if anyone wans to find me on maple,
i am in the Windia world
mi nick is xiaowhlte (ok dun argue with me abt the white art ok? i noe i am fair OK? =p
and its a 'l' replacing the i ok?)
ok la... thats it for my life theses days

i.miss.you

how i feel abt you

2006-06-02T20:52:00.000-07:00

so how do you all think abt how my song?
haha, cannot find a way to post the tune online so you all have to wait till a come back... wahahaha...

well, in kinda a happy mood today, went for my driving and did some really stupid stuff with the car, almost rear end into somebody, lucky i stop in time, was like just 10 cm fomr that guys rear bumper... haha, can tell the guy was like freaking out when he saw me that close... =)
just wanna unload all my feeling here...

everyday i wake up, nothing much to look for
its only those few little things that are kept me going
i know my destination
which is just round the corner
although its not my final stop, but at least the end for my journey in america
i know it end is coming
but i just wish it would hurry up
never was a mere month seemed so long
never was a day that passed so slowly
not writing a poem or anything
just putting down things that are in my mind now
all i could think abt now is going back home
going back and retrieving the life i left behind
and oso the things that i forgot to take
and i am going to keep it
there are things in life that you keep forever
and there are things that only last a second
but i can't be definite sure that you're it
but i noe at least it is different
there is something different in the air and
there is something special in my heart
something that will last
and i will make it as long as i live
comfort is all i feel
when i hear you
although sometimes it is not great
but wouldn't it be dull and boring if all there is is smooth sailing
quarrel, cold war and a little arguments are the spices to the stew
and i am the ingredient and you are the fire

something is special
something is different
something that i never felt
so warm and so free
something that i will hold on
and perhaps never let go
but i will count and count
so that you noe
wad i am talking abt... =)

song that i wrote

2006-06-01T19:59:00.000-07:00

a song that i wrote... dunno how to type the tune out... so erm, maybe if i dare i will sing it out and record it and post it somewhere ok? i kinda like this song... haha... =)
but havent tot of a song name yet... any suggestion?

(verse 1)
i am sitting at the tree
looking but not seeing
staring up the sky
but all i could see
is not the usual things

sitting on the sand
feeling but not touching
the breeze is blowing in
but all i could touch
is your gentle love

(chorus)
so tell me
where can i find you
so tell me
how can i meet you
i am sitting on a different land
breathing in a different air
but all i could tell
is that you're by my side (second time only)
(go to verse 1 after the second time)
(third time after once, go to ending chorus)

(verse 2)
(i'm) looking at my back
feeling there's someone there
trying not to hide
but i can't
take it
i need some help from you

staring at the screen
typing in those simple words
but all i could believe
is that you're
here with me
and i and there with you

(chorus) X2

(ending chorus)
so tell me
where can i find you
so tell me
how can i meet you
i dun wanna live my life without you
and i will
and i will
and i will definitely
look for you...

emerge

2006-06-01T19:24:00.000-07:00

just saw the pictures that jiemin posted on her blog.
haha, hey hey!!!
TP costume very nice leh... and mami, your skirt where got short...
i think TP will win, and next year when i join, it will be even more awesome yea? =)
ya, the costume very nice, i dunno abt the ppl wearing it la =p
wahahaha...
oh oh... delvina, dunno you will see this anot but then hor, pls go and talk to your sis desiree ok?
i was talking to her online and then she asked me why you look so short. so i was like errr... then i tot she asking like so i can help and like maybe make you look taller... so i started blabbering away abt wearing vertical strips or design that looks long and wear jeans and etc etc... then your sis's logic is really off, she suddenly ask me something like, so whose the you ( on my nick) then i say huh?
the the next thing i noe, she was like orh... i noe why you wanna come back to singapore le,
you like delvina right...
-.-'''
and so i was like HUH??? then she was like crazy and just say that i like delvina non stop, and i was like laughing my head off la and she just wouldn't listen... so... ya, just tot it was really funny and maybe you shd talk to her abt ALVIN YUP and abt the way her chain of tots work (its kinda weird, i have trouble talking and understanding wad she is trying to say) haha...

ok la, like i was saying, wa...
POS seemed fun, TP will win one!!! ever loyal to TP!!! oh and i wanna join wakeboarding... so cool... =p
wish i was back there now... joining in the hipe and stuff... haix... makes me more sad... sob sob
oh, did i mention that there is hope that i will return to singapore?
yea!!!
mi mummy never say dun allow and she oso nvm say allow... but she said that if i really dun like it there then i can go back!!! yea... but have to wait until my driving lessons are finished and that mi mummy return bacak to singapore cause now non of my relatives of family member is in singapore, all in china... =)
so that means i can only return ard june 20+ definitely after the chalet and stuff... can push the chalet back a little a not? haha... but nvm, we can go out again de...
oh, i wanna ask,
TP when holiday? or got holiday one anot?
hmm... wish me luck ok?
and tell wenhui reply my email leh... tsk tsk... haha...
bye

i.miss.you

the knight story

2006-05-30T19:44:00.000-07:00

for the story of the knight,
although i noe its very unclear and my grammar oso not so good and i oso noe my vocab not so grand... okok... i noe i noe... working on it! =)

told the whole story to someone before
and only today did i tot of the ending... (which was said in the previous entry, the poem-like thingy)
ya,
hey but that is only a sad sad ending ok?
its not the ending i wan
but then
i dunno if you all got hear me say before a not
but i really really
really really really
believe that the greatest pain a man can feel is the pain of knowing that you could have done something but you didn't and the effect is so great that you cannot take it anymore...
i mean many of us have this similiar experiences before, like when we get back our results and then you cry, why? not because your result is really bad, i think its because you have let everyone down, including yourself when you knew there were times when you shd have studied and studied harder and definitely you would score better than this... so you regret and you cry...
haix
ok, i think its kinda weird that everytime i use the blog as like a place to sound chim and stuff, instead of writing wad happened today or wad did i ate and those boring stuff, not that i think its boring to read but its just boring to write... =)
i have many sad things that happened in my life and i noe that everyone have their story to tell but since thisis my blog so i shall tell mine...
ever had the feeling when you were a little kid and you look at all the dramas and all the like sad sad thing that happened and tot that it will never happened to you? i tot abt it before. but now when i look back, its like to full of ups and downs... i mean why me? why out of all my friends and everyone i noe, why me? why does it happen to me and not others?
why am i the only kid i knew during primary school that has a broken family?
why must i be the kid that grew up without knowing wad a loving family is like?
why am i the kid that only saw my parents were in good relationship for 2 years?
why why why!
i mean the only thing i could remember abt a my good family was when i was from 4 to at most 6... i wasn;t schooling and my mum was a housewife. everyday, i would wake up and just play ard the house. then i can only remember that back then, we dun even have a TV we were that poor... and everynight when my dad comes home, we would eat a very simple dinner and then everynight without fail mi parents would take me downstairs and walk ard the whole neighbourhood (now the cck area) and i would play at the playground everynight till like quite late. then when we reach under our block, sometimes my dad would buy me like a satay or anything to eat... i was so happy then... but somehow, ever since i began primary 1, and when my sis was on her way, things turned out very bad... they always quarrel and i would just wanna dun care and forget everything abt it. in fact i pity my sis, she never saw our family together... and ever since primary 1, our family was some wad broken, fights and everything happened to often.
i can't remember when but my dad moved out and wala... single parenting family with no father for me to look up to... never knew abt a dad and how a dad was like... only saw it in the movies and shows... i was so afraid to tell anyone, only some know... partly because i dun wanna talk abt it and i often just smiled when ppl asked me abt it and act indifferent abt it...
man it was shit...
it was almost like me growing up in a broken family is something that shd have been de...
but then i often envy calista's family... good relationships, loving parents, never worried abt finances... i never saw or knew wad a TV was until i was like 6, that poor.
haix, enough of my life story... dun feel like writing anything le... sian...
bye =)

2006-05-30T19:27:00.000-07:00

i am going to tell a story, a story that tells another story...
(its not really a poem)

there was a knight
whom gain much
and there was the knight
whom lost dearly

the same knight
the ppl admired
and wished to be
the same knight
whom was not content
and whom was not satisfied

for he gained the gold
the status
and the glory
but lost his love
and his story

once he looked at the princess
from his humble field
those were the happy days
that's now locked away

oh how he long
and how he searched
for wad was lost
to be found

he tried the priest
he tried the wise men
he tried the witches
and he tried the wizards
but non could reveal his lost
for wad is lost in the heart
could only be found with the heart

now he sat
on his throne
built on riches and fame
but on his face was the look
of a man lost and faint
and on his head
white as snow
this mortal-being ending soon

lying on his bed
marked by the dead
he saw an angel
looking down on him

it asked him a question
that brought tears to his eyes
both joy and regret set in his heart
wad would you have changed
if you were given the chance

the old knight knew the answer
and he knew it too well
if only he could turn back time
would he not left his field
and left his family

he would choose the simplier life
though hard but
with no regrets
wad the knight learnt
is the lesson on regrets
for the most painful feeling one could feel
is not the pain of a thousand swords
nor is it the pain of losing a war

the greatest pain of all
is the pain of knowing it could all be different
you can have the riches of the world
but just one regret can lose it all
just one regret and there's no turning back
for time waits on no man

look ard and see wad is important to you
and perhaps with the one you love
you will one day see each other
no on this world that is lost and gone
but in a world that is everlasting
and in a world that will never end

aiyo, everyone is sad

2006-05-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

aiyo, why suddenly after i leave everyone de life become so sad le?
haha, maybe cause dun have me right?
haix, things are still now to well here and i dun think i can be back in time for the cell grp chalet haix... i so wanna go... it seemed so fun and always loved spending the night out with friends...
but think i shall now write such a sad entry today...
oh
did i mention i got my driving licence le?
and tomolo my step sis is going to china so i think i can drive her car...
her car not bad de lor... honda accord v6 duel exhast pipe de... sports car feeling.
hmmm... i read this thing when they say that if you're given the opportunity to go somewhere yourself, where would you go? well, for me i will definitely say back to singapore but then the question said have to be local...
so i always tot that driving up to the top of a mountain or hill or any like building and having some beer with you...
then open up your hood and lie down and look at the night sky and drink some beer... waa... such xiang shou...
but doing all these alone is so boring...
so i hope got someone, that someone to be with me...
haha... wad is the legal age in singapore to purchase alcohol?

got no one to talk to here...
so lonely...
how i miss the times when a bunch of ppl would just sit somewhere like starbucks or a playground
and just chill... man i love to just chill...
relax and 'nua' in a spot and have nothing to worry abt
and just chat with some friends that you can share anything with de...
that's the life for a friday night... haha...

oh, i heard tp got wakeboarding as a cca ar?
i'm definitely going to join it!!! so cool and fun... noe a friend that wakeboards oso, seemed so cool...
wish we are all living in the medival times sometimes...
life would not be better but at least more free...
haha, noe it sounds funny but just riding on the horse and
gallop across the fields and everything... remind me of quest for camelot...

ok la, dunno wad to say le..
miss everyone back in singapore...

i.miss.you

why am i still here

2006-05-26T22:18:00.000-07:00

why am i still here?
does it even seemed right for a father to force his child and confine him in a place he dun wanna be?
suddenly it just seemed so wrong.
he cannot do something like that.
wad right does he have to lock me up here?
dun i even have a say in the making of my future?
i finally understand how the ppl in the past must have felt when their parents forced them to arranged marriages, it is the shit-est feeling you can ever get...
especially in an asian culture when you are told everytime that wad your parents do is for your own good and so you think that they are doing wad they think is best and so wad they do are understandable and acceptable. but when you look at it from a more objective point of view, it just seemed so wrong...
how can a parent force his or her child to do something that is not obviously right...
i mean i just feel like screaming all the shit at my dad now...
i mean he abandoned me and my mum for another woman and left us for this country
and although he said he cared for me and always gave money for me and my sis,
but where is he when i celebrated my birthday, where was he during christmas, where was he during chinese new year and where was he when i had my exams and o level and i needed his help?
if he didn't cared enough to be there for me,
then why shd i even give a shit to wad he thinks and feel...
i dun care if he wan me to stay in america,
i dun care abt how he feels...
wad abt how i feel...
why can't he just let me go, stop thinking wad you do is right!
i can survive and succeed without your help and your money, i will get a scholarship if i have to...
i rather beg in where i wan than to live in your house again.
this filthy house, nice on the outside
disgusting on the inside...
the american life... so double face... so hypocritical, so fake and so disgusting...
argh, i hate it!!!
i just wan wings... god, why didn't you give man wings to fly?
why? if only i have them now then i can be free!!!
i just feel like a corpse now...
a living shell, not i'm not there...
i'm living a life that is not mine at a place i can never call home
with ppl i can never call family and with the absence of my love...
a shell is wad i am now...
i hate this feeling...
i think if i were to just let my anger go, i would have thrown the comp on the floor and break every breakable thing in container called a big house...
argh!!!
I WANNA GO HOME!!!

give.me.wings

da vinci code

2006-05-25T23:46:00.000-07:00

well, i just watched finish this programme called Un-something the Da Vinci Code on the history channel...
i have come to this conclusion.
whoever tells me that wad dan brown wrote in his da vince code book is true...
i got one this to say and that is forget it...
i mean after i watched similar programmes on this subject, they all at the end says one thing.
dan brown used the basic skeleton of history and added legend, myths and fantasies to the book.
i mean wad the book said that jesus and mary magdelene were married is actually debatable. the bible did not agree or deny the fact that jesus and mary were married or not but i believe that they were not, perhaps the abnormal high is status of mary in jesus's ministry were to show a point that women shd be more respected or anything, i dunno... but wad the book said abt the painting of the last supper, that the person of jesus's left is actually mary and not john is absolutely bull poop. because when you compared the paintings of leonardo and the others paintings on other artist that painted the last supper, all figures of john were feminie looking and the knife that peter was holding shows his jealousy he had of john, being so close to jesus which can be seen when jesus told peter abt wad he had to do when jesus resurrected and peter asked abt john, jealousy...
then abt the piorary of sion (or however you spell it) had zero connection with the Templar and the St. Claires... the templar got the fortune from nobles and supporters and the piorary of sion were a real organisation but there were no evidence that leonardo was once their grand master and that they were hiding the holy grail, that is the so called holy bloodline. for those who think that wad i have said is a spoiler, paiseh ar... haha, i think i shall say no more, dun wanna be spoiler...
but then i hope i can get the programmes and show to you guys, then you will be so astonished...
=)
oh, i drove on the road today, wa... so scary, almost bang into a car... haha, didn't stop fast enough, otherwise it was ok, just cannot keep myself in the centre of the lane onli... =)
oh, well... feel kinda creepy now, dunno why... maybe cause of all the stupid fake conspiracy and the rubbish that the book said gives me the creeps...
btw, i think the templars are good guys... haha...

i.miss.you

lost hope

2006-05-24T15:51:00.000-07:00

i've lost hope.
wad i tot would be my support fell into the other side.
i am all alone now, standing in the face of battle
who will come to my rescue
who will back me up?

i stood strong on my ground
with a backup i tot i had
now i face everyone alone
they all attack me with wad they think
and i react with wad i believed

i am tired
i am weary
i am sick of these tug of war
i just wan to get away
i dun wan to face this anymore
i dun wan to care abt wad they think
just leave me alone i would say
if the enemy comes again

my destiny is not here
but yet i'm caged
never to go
how can i escape
where is my ticket home?
just let me go home...

if i die

2006-05-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

today at driving school, a mother of a victim that got killed by a drunk driver came and speak to us abt drunk driving and how it affected her and everyone just because of this one act of stupidity... well, she said something that hit me... she said that her daughter, 21, did not die instantly upon the impact of abt 115 miles/hr (thats more than 200 over km/hr) and that she had to die alone at the hospital... now that is one scary tot, i mean imagine you yourself heavily injured and abt to die and when you look ard and there's all strangers and no one that you noe or loved and you died... so sad...
then i tot...
wad if i die just like that?
wad if i die alone or wad if you one day died and i am not there for you?
it would be such a pity if it were to ever happen?
so i am going to take good care of my body so i live longer than you...
so you wouldn't have to die alone, i will be there...
i will take care of everything,
dun worry...

then again, wad if i die in a car accident one day?
i believe i will not but just wad if?
or wad if an accident happen to you?
i noe i will burst...
death is permanent... today that lady showed me a new meaning to death... it is permanent, you can't fix it...
i can't bear the tot of lying in the hospital bed, knowing that you are going to die soon but there is no one, no family or you lover ard to hold your hand and comfort you...
imagining it already makes me cry,
when my hair is white and you are on the bed,
dun you have to fear...
i will be there. holding your hand, talking to you, because it will only be a short separation....
we will meet in heaven again...
we will be glorified and young again and i will come and meet you when my train is ready to leave
and i will come and find you, and be together forever again...
today was a sad day, but i got my licence... =)
but i am having even more difficulties coming back...
wad shd i do?
i have cried i hace screamed and i have begged...
when i scream they dun hear my voice... wad else can i do but just to walk away... wish i have enough money and i will just walk away, walk away from this cage and walk away from this life that i never wanted and will never live...

i.miss.you

savage garden

2006-05-21T20:21:00.000-07:00

i'm in love... in love with the world and in love with everything that's in it...
ppl say that the whole world becomes so lovely when you're in love and i'm in love... you.

i dunno how to live my life now if i hadn't had you
you gave me a hope
and a new life
took me out of the dark
and shone light into my world

suddenly the flowers seemed to bloom
and the air so fresh and sweet
tomorrow becomes a longing
and yesterday a touching memory

i hear you everyday
like the water in a well
you refresh me
and awaken me
not to this world
but to your love and your presence

i am not writing a poem
nor am i writing a song
but just trying to express
wad i feel to you so everybody noes

i wan to stand on every mountain
or walk thru every valley
i wan to live thru everyday
or sleep thru every dream
with you by my side

i wan to hold your hand in marriage
and form a legacy of our own
i wan my hair to turn white
not alone but with you

words can only express
a fraction of emotions
so i will only say
till here and no further
for love is not said
nor is it told
but love is to be felt
and love is to be touched

now.with.you

band

2006-05-20T18:51:00.000-07:00

suddenly feel like talking abt band...
i think that the most fortunate thing that happened to me, besides going to my beloved primary school, is to join a school band in my secondary school years.
band opened my eyes and showed me a wonderful 4 years that i've enjoyed.
yes i noe, when i was sec 1 and 2 and even 3, i was very irritating, talkative and blah blah blah... ok i get it and there's nothing i can do now, if you hated me then, i hope that have changed... i noe i have changed... thanks to wad our band conductor, mr brando tan taught me...
i noe many of us, including me always say that tan is a a**hole and a bastard and all those stuff, but i believe that inside of us, we all would agree that no matter how he might have treated us, he has taught us something valuable, well, at least he had taught me many valuable things...
when i was in sec 1 and 2, i noe myself that i have pissed many ppl, especially zihan... (haha, sisi) and i think many ppl were quite irritated by mi, including my my beloved senior hui ee, ok i dunno if i'm actually beloved to her but ya, she a great senior... anyway, i was told that she almost wanted to kick mi out cause i was so irritating, so you shd get an idea of how childish i was back then...
then tan talked to me many times, he is not the one that changed me but he is the one that started it... i remember back during sec3 when we were electing for band and drum major, well, i tot i would have a very good chance and so did many ppl, i was enthu and would give anything for band but i was elected and after that, tan told me why. he said he didn't wan me to be elected because i was too emitional, i would often let my emotions rule over my decisions and do things that are both childish and irrational... well, i couldn't hear it then but its so true to me now... i might not have becomed a completely different person but i can confidently say that at least i have changed for the better...
band had taught me many life values, how to deal with ppl, how to succeed in life and how to be a better person... so i wanna thank tan for all he had done, even if we sometimes say that he is a jerk, but he is still our conductor and our teacher that brought us to a gold!!!
ok then band, hmm... i so loved the saxophone section, so glad that there are ppl that could tolerate me and gave me many chances when i have failed. the senior cared for us and my fellow mates are real fun ppl. then enter the juniors, haha, they were well, many of a kind... the current sec4s are great ppl, good juniors to have but then those under them i can't say much cause i wasn't ard when they came in, got transfered to the cornet section. i was quite surprised by wad the current sec 4 batch said when they were sec 2, when i was abt to be transfered, they were relunctant for me to go and well, haha... said i was a good senior... haha, i dunno wad to say but just have to thank them... so many ppl to thank in the band and oso fahan for being the jerk in the band! haha...
know so many ppl in the band
learnt so much in the band...
so my advice to ppl thinking abt wad cca to join in secondary school? JOIN THE BAND!!! its totally different from the other ccas, cause its a family... =)
thank you everyone in the band
and sorry for wad i have done, pissing you guys off in the past and yet you didn't throw me out...
but i have changed right? i noe i have... haha... =)

difficult.to.let.go
i.miss.you

patience

2006-05-20T18:24:00.000-07:00

the hardest thing to do is to wait.
patience is not a human thing and i think the one thing that ppl dun like to do the most is to wait.
perhaps its more due to our society. the fast-paced high efficiency demand of the society often expects ppl do use the least time possible to get the most done. time is money and very true it is. time is a leisury that we do not have and often we will just rush thru everyday, busy being busy and just forget wad is the importance of life.
ppl, especially guys love to use the excuse of working for the future or for a better family and all those common stuffs. it is true actually, that being a guy, certain expectations are placed on this gender, to be successful, mature, rich or at least not poor, support the family and parents, being a pillar of society and so on and so on. but if we rush thru life like how everyone is, then life becomes not life but a ride say on a lift.
i heard a pastor said something like this.
if all we care abt is the final destination of wadever we are doing, god would have brought us up to heaven already the moment we are saved, not because so that we cannot sin, but because it is our final destination, to be in heaven. but god had allowed us to dwell on earth to do his will and oso i believe to live life. to be able to appreciate wad he placed in the world he created and enjoy everything that's in it. with caution of course... so lets say you are riding a bus, and say you're not late, but many ppl despite that they are not late wished the bus would travel faster so that they can get there faster and their mind is filled with why are we not there yet, why is it so slow... then he or she would have missed a whole 90% of a bus ride, the journey to your destination. so i just feel like saying this, i noe i said it many times,
but, life is to be lived,
not dread. you are given breath to smell the air, not just the mere purpose of survival...
you are give feet to touch and feel the grass, not just the mere purpose of getting to places...
there's more to life then checking off the to do list of your life...
something to ponder abt... =)

difficult.to.let.go
i.miss.you

Habits

2006-05-19T13:20:00.000-07:00

its been two days sinced i last blogged, seemed like a lifetime.
it has become like a habit for me to check my email, friendster and blog daily... and habits are really weird things.
i went online and checked up the meaning of the word habit it is:A recurrent, often unconscious pattern of behavior that is acquired through frequent repetition. An established disposition of the mind or character
habits are a part of our daily life, from the moment we opened our eyes to the time when we finally put of tired minds to sleep... in fact, even in sleep we sometimes display certain habits like sleeping on one side or waking up to use the bathroom.
i think habits are a fascinating thing. i mean it allows a human to accept to its surrounding by reacting to it with a certain reaction or just simply accepting it. for example, when you first see a person dash across a road, you will find it uncomfortable or at least new... but after seeing a million ppl doing that, it sorts of sinks into you and you just accepts it with a reaction of no reaction to it.
or say a new student joins your class and he is so outspoken and sorts of disrupts the peace in the class... after time, you become habitual to his actions and character that if one day he were not to be around, many will find it rather awkward with his absence. then this shows that habits are a rather frightening thing to have ina human body. it allows someone to accept wadever is thrown at him and not react even if it was a level down his standard or the average. a man who gets 3000 a month gets a cut to 2500 a month, initially he will feel the impact of the cut but after time it goes away and 2500 a month becomes a normal thing. it sorts of make us compromise on our target and allows us to settle for the second best...
so i think i just blubbered a bunch of unorganised crap, but if you understand wad i mean, then i think we shd control our habits or our ability to accept the situation even if its not wad we wanted.
ok, i noe its messy...
but it really is exactly wads coming out of my head... =)
perhaps i'm just special... wahahaha... =P

difficult.to.let.go
i.miss.you

quest of camelot

2006-05-17T14:19:00.000-07:00

like every trees
that stand on its own
reaching for the sky on it alone
i share the world with no one else
all by myself
i stand alone

i was a forgotten man
in a forgotten land
but how did you find me
when no one else was looking
how did you noe
just where i would be
i hid in the forest
i lived in the cave
cause no one will see me
as how you have seen
and no one will noe me
like how you knew me

then you came ard
and stood by me
i could not see
but you showed me
that every tree
shared the earth
and every blind
shared the world

i know the sound of the other's fears
i know the sound of ppl's scorn
i lived in the world
of a forgotten place
that someone like you
would not belong

and it was true
that you didn't belong
you left my world
but not alone
you took my hand
and led my thru
the rocks and the trees
to where you call home

i am a blind
forever different
but you looked thru
and see wad i couldn't
you saw a person
and not his flaws
you saw a man
and not wad he lost

i am blind and never to see
but thru your eyes
i can now gaze
at the stary night
and the new full moon
the heavens are sparkling
with starlight tonight
thats wad i see when
i look thru your eyes

life has gone on
but one thing had changed
not my sight
but my life
with you in my arms
i could now fly
with you in my heart
i could now grow

okok, i know i used some songs part... haha, not as good hor... haix, maybe i will edit it again... give me comments abt this ok? its like not so good leh... haha...

difficult.to.let.go
i.miss.you

got lost

2006-05-16T20:37:00.000-07:00

today, after my driving lessons, me and my dad went to fetch my little brother from the baby sitter's house... its in a kinda wu lu place so we took awhile to get there...
but on the way back, we kinda got lost... haha, was ona road, with no lights and no other cars and all ard us were trees... we were in some kinda of a forest... the only light was the headlights from our car...
that was one scary experience... haha...
but lucky we turned ard and got out of the mess in abt half an hour...
well, nothing particular, just tot wanna share this cause i never really got lost before...
oh, well... kinda sick these days... feel all uncomfortable inside...
*puke*
haix...

difficult.to.let.go
i.miss.you

jie min sad sad

2006-05-16T08:38:00.000-07:00

haix, just read jie min's blog...
aiyo... to sound really like a bastard now, i would say this: come on la! dun be so easily defeated can? i mean didn't do well this time, ok then do better the next time lor! (oh, jie min, when i say read my blog, i dun this this entry, i meant the previous one... just scroll down the page ok?) ya and maybe tell her like i did badly too but hey, in the end i did better ma...
but i noe normally this wouldn't help unless the person has high self egoism...
but seriously, jie min aka papa,
let it go ok? i mean if you didn't do well this time i'm sure there is a reason to it the ma... i'm sure you must be familiar with the verses that say god wans us to succeed... well, tell yourself that! i mean i dun wanna bored anyone typing all the verses down so you just remember yourself ok?
but really maybe god just have a bigger plan for you... right? trust him. when you dunno wad to do, just simply let go and trust him.
fot myself, making the decision to return to singapore is not easy too... everyone single person is telling me to stay in US cause its better but i just dun feel good to do so. i mean god didn't even told me to go to US so i shdn't go right? like wad pastor said, never leave your local church unless instructed clearly by god... well, right now i have all kinds of doubts and fear. i mean from where i can see, staying in US is definitely the easier and better and faster route. but perhaps that not so glorifying road back to singapore has a mount everest behind it just that i can't see it yet...
so its easier to just let go and let god...
let him be the driver of your life and you just be there and enjoy the ride...

Papa, if you need a shoulder to cry on, mine would not be ard... haha... but you always have mami to help you out k?
jia you and dun cry anymore... later ppl see then get scared to death... wahaha...

this blog looks like a email to papa... haha... oh well...

difficult.to.let.go
i.miss.you

enjoying life

2006-05-15T20:41:00.000-07:00

i heard this pastor said this on tv, it was his like live service, he said... life is to be enjoyed, you are given life not to dread it but to live it for life is to lived not dread... it really opened my eyes to see wad life really is.

well, i shall start from the top. the service was him talking abt defeat and us being a over-comer. ok, i remember him saying the usual stuff abt us being unique, special and give the potential and ability to succeed and overcome. but wad hit me the most was the examples he gave. he talked abt racing horses. i shall say wad he said in my own words and maybe eloborate abit more...

do you noe how much is out in to produce a world class race horse? its alot of money and effort and alot of risk as well... you noe, race horses are not like american idiot. its not like one day, some guy was like riding this horse and found out that it has great potential and thus put him up for horse racing and like it is talented and thus became and world clas racing horse.
the truth is, all those world class race horses are bred. their bloodline is traced and traced a long way back to determine if the genes of a mix would be pure. and a world class race horse is called a thoroughbred (not sure of the spelling). there will be this one guy whose whole job is to trace the family history and bloodline of a certain pair of horses and see if its father and mother and grand father and grand mother and so on and so on have good records and normally they will trace all the way back to a dozen generation or more. then they will pick the extremely good ones and bred a horse... this horse will have the dna and the genes of his ancestors and of course it is world class genes. but these investors have to put in at least half a million dollars to bred a horse and to train it and gorw it up to be the best race horse there is. i mean imagine when the little horsey is born, all wobbly and weak and couldn't even stand properly... to anyone who see it will think that the horse will never make it but not to the investors... cause they noe that although it looks weak now but they noe in their hearts that it will one day become a world class race horse!
why? because it carries the genes, the dna and the ability of its ancestors...
the same is with us. the bible says that we are the sons and daughters of god thru faith and when it says that, it means that we in ourselves carry the spiritual blood line of almight god. his dna hs genes, his ability and his anointing. although our naturally bloodline is weak and perhaps cannot make it, but our spiritual bloodline is more important that our natural bloodline... so ppl, we are called to be sons and daughters of god. and of we are god's kid and have a brother like jesus christ? how bad can we be? we are like them we are called to be like them we are given the power and ability to be like them! cause god's dna and blood runs thru our veins... if we trace our spiritial bloodline we will find abraham and we have faith in our blood, david and we have anointing in our blood, solomon and we have wisdom in our blood, esther and we have love and compassion in our blood, jacob and we have repentancehave in our blood, moses and we have power in our blood, joseph and we have dreams and visions in our blood... and the list can go on but with all these in our bloodline in our veins flowing thru us, wad more can we not succeed... even if we are down, horses dun start out strong so do we... i dunno if this will impact anybody but jus think abt all the spiritual ancestors that we have and all the genes that is flowing and making us up... i think its like wow...

so on to the enjoying life part... many ppl sees their life as a total failure, proclaim themselves as losers and a mistake of life. they might not say it but in their mind thats wad they think. so these ppl dun enjoy life. they see everything as an obstacle too high to cross, a trap too big to escape, a hole too wide to jump. so all day long they dread life they feel that they are treated unfair and they are struggling to just be alive. but i suddenly feel that it is a gift to be alive, the gift of life. when all that fills ard us are dead stuff like tables and stuff, we are like that fortunate being to be alive and be human... i noe we are all created by god and stuff... but the very tot of life being as a prevailege and that life really has so much to offer, you can do so much when you're alive and none when you are dead... i mean, life is life, why live life like its dead when you are give life. its like i give you a hundred bucks and you treat it as toilet paper... honor life more... respect life and respect the very fact that you're alive!
life just unfolded a whole new meaning to me...
one that you can't explain but to be esperienced
life is like an experienced... enjoy it while it last!
i noe very long...

difficult.to.let.go
i.miss.you

impressed with myself

2006-05-14T19:05:00.000-07:00

ok, i got to say this
i still can't believe i wrote something like wad i wrote. i'm not saying its fabulous or fantastic or anything because i noe its not like really really good... i mean if i keep saying 'omg omg i can't believe i wrote this' and if tan yaw sees it, he will say like noooooooooooooo this this and that that... blah blah blah blah blah... ok, tan yaw, if you're reading this... dun get angry ok? i'm just playing you... haha...
well, mami got sick... haix, so papa, pla go and take care of her ok? remind her to drink water and eat her medicine ok?
i was watching the history channel these days and they are talking abt codings in the bible and the book of revelation. then my church talked abit abt the da vinci code and how shd we like answer other ppl's question and stuff...
ok, so abt bible coding... i didn't knew how it was done but they say that they use the original version of the bible and enter it into a computer... then when like they can search on any words and the computer look thru the whole bible and and search for the word... then the guy like read thru every direction of the word and like up down left right and then like look for words related to the word they search, for example like during 911, this ppl found a small matrix, like a small window of text and in it found words like osama, twin towers, plane, crash, burn and etc etc... isn't it like cool but mysterious... some of the real christains that do code research says that the text are divinely encoded and it is like god purposely adds the codes in lor... but i dunno whether to believe it or not but jesus said that we shd not like try to predict the future so i think i will just dun care abt it... i mean like some of the examples that the show gave were like of its just an accident, cause like the possiblities of the words in order coming out in a very small window of words (matrix) is like 1 in 200000...

then the next is abt revelation. forgive me if i'm bording you but i just wanna blog these out... they started talking abt all the different cults that actually predicted like the year that jesus will return and stuff and like wad happen when the day didn't come and stuff. it was kinda boring but they keep talking abt the four horses that will bring the different plagues and disasters with them and they oso talked abt all the current events that happened that are they like the process of the end is coming thing and oso talked abt the antichrist vs the idea that the antichrist is actually the roman king at the time the book was written... so its all kinda confusing...

ok, i wanna talk abt the Da Vinci Code thing... well, one of the thing that the pastor shared was abt the 'secret' gospel of judas, mary and thomas... it is a fact that these gospels were written after 100 A.D and there are all the evidences that proved it... it is a fact so dun argue abt it... so he gave the example that if we were to write abt our grandma, and compare it we our mom writting a paragraph abt her mom, whose will be more accurate? of course it is our mom's right? cause its closer to the source and she spent more time with the source... so its the same with all these secret gospel, it is written after 100A.D so by then jesus is dead, and all those who actually saw jesus are either dead or or the verge... so when judas ot thomas writes abt this gospel and abt jesus, it is definitely not accurate and futhermore they never even met jesus and so how can you try to write abt someone you dunno and no one actually who met him still alive. and all this gospels contradict abt wad all the other gospel wrote abt jesus... so its like... it can;t be true lor... aiya.., too long... i dun think anyone will read until here... haha...

ok la, enough of my boredom... good luck to all of you (for wad? i dunno)

difficult.to.let.go
i.miss.you

dreams

2006-05-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

i love to dream. i believe that dreams are the instruments that allow our imaginations to run free and wild. maybe its dreams that gave the world their wings and perhaps its dreams thats saved the land from a famine that was planned.

dreams are like our desires
showing wad our heart truely wans
there is no mountain too high
or valleys to deep
that your dreams cannot take you there

i may be half way ard the world
but i will be at your window
and i will be at your door
if only i begin to dream

in my dreams i can be
where my body is now bound
in my dreams i can see
wad my eyes could not reach
in my dreams i can feel
the gentle touch of your skin
in my dreams i can sense
wad my nose cannot smell
in my dreams i can hug you
in the endless sky that i percieve

in my dreams i can love
wad i could not if i didn't
in my dreams i have wings
to fly to the skies and meet you there
in my dreams i can change
the world that would not listen
in my dreams i can forget
everything except your presence
in my dreams i can pause
time till i command
so that we could count til forever and forever

oh i love to dream
it is where can i only
taste the love of your care
it is where can i
find you standing there

oh i love to dream
for i can meet you
just down the alley steet.

OMG, i can't believe that i wrote this... impressed... haha... =)

my feelings

2006-05-12T21:11:00.000-07:00

actually i have tot abt this issue for a very long time, i think i started thinking abt it ever since i came to church and oso ever since i was told that we shd submit our emotins to God... i was kinda stumbled by that then... but only recently i got to sort of figure out the answer to it...
as i have mentioned earlier, i like to think. my mind tend to wonder off by itself and you noe, end up in some funny places... haha... ok, so i tot, ppl have feelings for a reason, so that they can feel things and not just analyse everything logically and rationally... wad difference would that be to a robot... so therefore, many ppl would say that i'm very emotional and tend to let my emotions led me instead of my head... well, so then i was troubled, cause i dun wan to become a robot, doing things on my mere intelligence (there is alot of it =) and logically thinking... i mean feelings are there for a reason and i use to overrule it above all things... if i dun feel right, i'm not right... so then wenhui told me that that would be very childish and i apologise for a childish acts both in the past and some even now...
do you see wad i'm getting across here? its like to me, your emotions is your heart and rational thinking is your mind. then if we only use our mind, then we are jus like robots, doing things that we see and think but nothing we feel... i think i'm still very into this believe but the only difference is that someone once told me that, think its wenhui, that we can feel and shd feel for things but doesn't mean we ignore it. but we control... we can feel sad and be sad but dun allow it to affect others or your work... i think that is so true... perhaps thats wad a person is... feeling for it but controlling it... see, are you enlighten?? haha...

watched movie

2006-05-12T12:10:00.000-07:00

watched some movies yesterday and today...
watched the comedy nothing to lose, then watched dinosaur (with my little brother) he keeps wanting to watch that stupid show, i think he watched it like fifty times already... oh, then i watched the Geisha show with my dad and finally watched moulin rouge again... love it!
nothing to lose was funny but abit no sense and lie that kind of a show where you dun need a brain to understand that kind. dinosaur was boring and geisha, was a bit disappointing... i tot it would be better and i noe if i told this to tan yaw, he would say Nooooooooooooooo... then blah blah blah... haha...

oh oh, but i loved moulin rouge... it is like the third time i watched that show and i'm still loving it...
its like watching the show, it makes me wonder and think that perhaps the world is rotating ard the word love. God loved his ppl, he so loved the world that he gave his only son and jesus died for all because he loved them... and everday of our life love is everywhere, btw ppl there's love and its like love is the core of everything. rational behaviours get override by the passions of love.
the only force that can push a man into the a lake of burning fire to save his beloved wife, knowing inside his head that chances of survival is near zero. the brain and rational part of the human body and mind tells you that its a useless sacrifise but the pure love for the wife could override all rational thinking and out of love jump into the lake of fire... isn't it marvelous wad one could do in the name of love? i'm impressed...

when someone falls in love, oddly, the world seemed so much a better place, all tots of sucide and agony are quickly overlooked when there's love. i mean wad in the world had such a power to perform such drastic changes to a human mind, body and soul? delvina says i think too much... but i think its has is pro side too... i mean when i'm free, i enjoy just sitting there daydreaming and thinking and manifesting tots and events, thinking abt big issues and try to sound well-learnt or just thinking abt how to disappear... haha... (when i say disappear, i dun mean the emo way of saying it... i meant like the perfect disappearing act kinda thing)

well, i dunno, but i'm sort of like caught between two worlds now... the thinking that everything have a retional explaination and the logic and the science thinking...
and that this world is not so square, not everything can be explained or understanded, we just have to live with it and marvel at it, keeping in mind, we humans are not that all powerful...

love isn't just some chemical reaction in your body... i believe its something much much deeper than that...
ok, gtg... bye...

difficult.to.let.go
i.miss.you

today's diary

2006-05-11T07:29:00.000-07:00

decided not to write such chim-mi-lo-gy entrys today, just plain old diary style...
oh, forgot to mention to you all that a few days back, ther was hail!!! never seen one in my entire life
for the dumb dubs out there that dunno wad a hail is, it happens in summer times and it as plainly raining ice balls... the biggest ever were like basket balls bu the one i saw were merely like marbles or some golf balls... its pretty dangerous cause you might get hurt or worst knocked out when hit by one of those things... but the look pretty cool, like the end of the world... haha...

i miss singapore, miss the warm weather and sweaty sweaty feeling everytime when i get back home. miss the easy transportation and the can go anywhere anytime feeling. kinda stuck at home if you dun have a car. oh, today's driving lesson was kinda boring but at least easy. they talked abt the importance of seat belts and why you must must wear seat belts. ppl die in car crashes not because of the impact or how bad the crash is but more because that dumb lum lum was not wearing a seatbelt. they showed us videos of a dummy, wearing abt 200 lbs, travelling at abt 25 miles/hr (thats ard the speed of the world's fastest runner) and then, he would crash into a wall... they showed that the dummy crash face first into the windshield and the windshield like dented... imagine the force in just a mere 25mile/hr... OMG, i definitely will be wearing a seatbelt next time...

back to the previous topic, haix... i missed singapore, more than i expected, probably its because i've spent 13 years of my life there and it like my life is left behind back there. i'm definitely going to go get my life back... i dunno, but the very tot of going back to singapore like soothe me, feels like you are going home, like you're on a journey and right now, you're heading home...
which now remains me... yesterday i was listening to a christain channel and there's this female pastor talking, her last name is moore or something. she was talking abt the christains on earth, as a journey, a mission a business trip, trying to accomplish wad they are given in the time provided and then going back home, and i say BACK home. so i'm kinda feeling that way not... not that i'm gonna send myself to heaven comes but like the going back home feeling... heard the michael buble song called home... so nice...

ok, nothing to write le...
bye!

difficult.to.let.go
easy.to.miss.>you<.

911

2006-05-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

today, while travelling to my dad's office
he started his lecture and big theories abt why i shd stay in america
and why i shd love the american ppl... yuck*

well, he started talking abt the nine eleven incident and told me something
that i was well, impressed and at the same time, remembered sth...

he said that during that day, there was a chinese reporter in one of the buildings when the first plane hit the other building... well, as you can imagine, everyone was panicking and all were trying to make their way out of the building down the stairs... this chinese reporter wrote a report after the incident (of course he survived)
and said that he was astonished by the american ppl, even in all the chaos and the very presence of danger, there was no panick and ppl were making their way down the stairs orderly and even left a half of the stairs for the old, young and the fire fighter making their way up... i mean if that happened in an asian country say china, i think half the ppl will die not by the fire or crushing building, but by the other ppl, stampeded over them... but a chinese scholar said that there can be no cultural prosperity without the first material abundance... and i think its true too, when you can't even fill your stomach, who would care abt having a more friendly and elegant culture and society...
but my point is, even in singapore, ppl are not very poliet and friendly to strangers or even friends... i'm not innocent of such crime myself, but i'm just truely impressed with the americans (only in this event... the rest of the time... they are like yuck to me.. haha...)

oh, and this led me thinking abt the movie United 93, dunno singapore will see it a not but it is a movie of the united airline plane UA 0093 that crashed into one of the buildings and the whole show is abt how the different ppl in the plane did... all true stories...
then i tot shd the families of these victims hate the hijacker? then i remember this thing that i read once, cannot remember where.
it said
lets say if god one day proclaim, that anyone who can jump high enough to touch the moon shall be saved...
so then let say a good person, all his life never did anything bad, just an average joe, could jump to an extreme of a hundred metres off the ground.
and a mass murderer can only jump 2 cm...
the average joe would say to god, that see, i have jumped so so so much higher than the murderer, he is worst that me...
but god would see the man as a fool.. because even though you can jump a 100m, but compared to reaching the moon of abt a few thousand kilometres, 100m and 2cm are just both as bad, the difference is insignificant...
so i believe that's wad god meant. when he sees you and a mass murderer, all he sees is that your dirty and he is just a little dirtier... compared to his son jesus that's sparkle squeeky clean, we are both just as bad...

dunno if you all will understand wad i'm saying a not, but i just feel like blogging this...
so inspirational to help us forgive others... =D

moving one

2006-05-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

life is a road i wanna keep going,
love is a river i wanna keep flowing...
indead,
life is a road and i wanna keep going on it...
it is time to move on!
finally, after a long long time, abt 2 years later, i finally moved on.
realised that i wasn't being enduring,
but just plain stupid, there are too many things,
ppl, purpose out there to be missed...

i was in the past
stuck in a well, only knew the sky above the hole.
i tot that there's all life is
and there's all i'm living for.
but one day, you came by.
although i knew you,
but you came as a stranger
a stranger whom seemed so familiar.
you brought me out of the well,
showed me the whole new sky
the sky became not just a patch up above,
but an unlimited canvas
for my soul to draw.
the sky was amazing
but i found sometime more.
ppl often look far and wide for wad is theirs
often forgetting that god is a good god
its when you start looking beyond your sight,
that He put it so near
so near that its under your nose all along
obly waiting to be found.
so friend,
take a break
look around
often wad your heart seeks the most
is just too easy to be found.
i wish you all the best
and find your treasure, like i found mine...

really cannot help it. didn't meant to write like this one. only wanna write a story... but i think too too too talented already... end up writing so poetic, so chim chim... haha...

i miss you

2006-05-07T13:57:00.000-07:00

every morning
i listened.
listen for your whispers of good morning
not thru my ears
but thru my phone
your words soothes me and comforts me
how i miss you

this morning
i awoke
heard nothing
nothing familiar, nothing i noe
nothing i recognise but a true pain
a pain to noe
you are no longer by my side
for i will not see you
nor will i hear you

life today forever changed
changed into fear and loneliness
fear with none of you
you're everything to me
i miss you
i miss you everyday
day in day out
out with tears i sat await
listening, hoping, hearing and praying
in case, just in case
oh how i miss you

nice nice nice?
i wrote this myself ok... haha...

nothing much happpened

2006-05-07T13:52:00.000-07:00

well, nothing much happened this week...
only bought a tampoline...
its diameter is like 14 ft, abt 4.26 m long...
so its kinda big, quite fun but thats all lor...
just jump up and bounce down... haix
bored...

difficult.to.let.go
easy.to.miss.>you<.

jus another entry

2006-05-06T20:53:00.000-07:00

this is jus another entry...
life is so boring now that everyday nothing special happens and even when i email ppl, all i can talk abt is like nothing special... so monotonous and boring... everyday is caught between expectatons and my struggles...

my dad is like so too much!
he expects me to be like my step sister! who to them is the perfect child!
wad on earth! i mean she told me all the nonsense things she did, like truancy and stuff,
and i'm always been compared with her! she gets all As for her test and is in the honors roll and blah blah blah blah!!! i'm so pissed... i hate living a life when you are not the one driving it and there are so much expectations that you not cannot but just dun wan to meet and your parent now think you're a weakling!!!
message to all parents:
FOR GOODNESS SAKE, PLS SUPPOST YOUR CHILD! THEY FACE THE WORLD THAT CONSTANTLY DISCOURAGE AND BE LITTLES THEM AND YOU ARE THE ONLY PILLARS THAT THEY CAN LEAN ON DURING STORMY TIMES. AND IF YOU'RE NOT THERE, WAD DO YOU THINK WILL HAPPEN TO THEM?
EDUCATION IS VERY IMPT, BUT IF YOUR SO CALLED GOOD AND RIGHTOUSNESS FOR YOUR CHILD MAKES HIM SAD AND TRUELY UNHAPPY, BECAUSE ITS NOT HIS DESTINY? PLS LET HIM! YOU SHD NOE WHEN HE IS LYING AND WHEN HE IS NOT!
ONE VERY VERY VERY IMPT THING. YOU CHILD IS A CHILD, LEARNING TO BE A BETTER PERSON, SO PLS HOW CAN A PARENT BE MORE STUBORN THAT A CHILD!!

ok, my lecture is done. just can't stand parent who abuse the name of for your own good!
how can my dad literally kidnap and cage me to a place i have no love for and think its better for me! just because everyone thinks america is better? no way!!!
i hate this sickening place! could never see myself living here... argh...
help, i need an escape route!!!
whose hand can i see, when my parents' are not even there!

difficult.to.let.go
easy.to.miss.>you<.

worst drivers in the world!

2006-05-05T21:18:00.000-07:00

oh my god, today i went to driving school and i got the biggest revelation in my life, ok, maybe not the biggest nor can it be counted as a revelation.
i was told that in a year, over 2400 ppl are injured and 600 ppl killed in a train car crash!!! and mind you, this is like the thing that isn't suppose to happen. imagine this...
a railroad, intersecting with a road, like you see in the shows, there will be a barrier that will be lowered, red light flashing and bells ringing when a train is approaching... so most ppl will stop right? but not those idiotic 3000 ppl that when the gates are down, just because they think that train is far far away and they can beat the train, the zoom and drive across the railroad by turning ard it!! HOW STUPID can one get and then wad happens? well... the just crash into the train and woa, no more car left... cause trains are like really strong and fast, even a slow moving train could smash a 18 wheeller into bits... so think abt the 3000 ppl that got involved... how how how stupid are they!!! i really can't believe it... really!!!

oh, and do you noe that when you are driving at ard 55 miles/hr, that is like 88 km/h, and you smash into, head on, one of those concrete thick poles that is erected out of the ground, you noe wad happens and especially when the driver have no seatbelt on? well, my instructor saw exactly wad happened.
she was having a break with her class outside this carpark and they were just like a short distance from those pole thingys, then suddenly, she saw a big black SUV smashed into one of those things... and the female driver just really flew out of the front windshield, up like 60 ft and flopped onto the ground in front of the class with a big hole below her neck!!! omg... and the car, it literally wrapped itself ard that pole thing. you can only see the two front wheels sticking out beyond the mess and thh rest just got flattened into and wrapped ard that pole... omg!!! she said everyone who say it puked and puked... cause it was like... you can imagine...

so i just wanna say,
firstly, americans are smart but dumb at the same time...
and secondly, they have the most gross and omg, wth kind of crashes you can ever noe...
thats my theory...

enough saying...
gtg, bye...

difficult.to.let.go
easy.to.miss.>you<.

dun you

2006-05-05T14:08:00.000-07:00

________________________________________________________________
today, my message is titled Dun You?
(sound like i'm preaching right?)
but no, its more like my own tots and you noe, trying to sound deep and stuff...
hahaa, dun laugh...

when you love someone, dun you:
wanna tell her i love you
tell her that you care
look after her when she is sick
and assure her when she dun
to wanna call her everyday
but dun have to speak a word
to wanna say good morning and good night
but never wan to part

when you love someone, dun you:
wanna hold her
and count
not to three but to a million
dun you wanna see her smile
and cheer her up if she's not
to laugh with her
and shed your tears
to stand in front of her
when a storm comes up

when you love someone, dun you:
wanna be with her every moment
but dare not cause her inconvenience
wanna buy her everything she wans
even if its not wad she needs
to give her your all
but accept only her heart
to do anything possible
just to make her smile
or do you just wanna love her
and be love in return...

wa.... i think i'm so chim...

difficult.to.let.go
easy.to.miss.>you<.

song

2006-05-04T20:56:00.000-07:00

ever watched moulin rouge?
i think its like the best show, i give it a 2 thumbs up, a 10/10!

_the greatest thing you will ever learn... is just to love, and to be loved in return_

i hope you dun mind
i hope you dun mind
that i put down in words
how wonderful life is now you're in the world

come wad may
come wad may
i will love you
until my dying days
suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
it all revolves around you

yes its true

difficult.to.let.go
easy.to.miss.>you<.

a short story to tell

2006-05-03T19:26:00.000-07:00

haix, so bored.
america is really a boring place. today went to my dad office to help him out with some of his work stuff.
aiyo, all to mafan... must arrange this and arrange that, so boring and yet so tedious. haix
didn't do much today except going to driving school and started to learn all the road rules like who to let when you are entering a highway or when crossing an intersection wad shd you do and then oso learn all the different signs and their meanings.. so boring too...
anyway, was really glad to talk to ppl thru msn, up till so late ar? haha... haix... bored la...
dunno wad to do now...

ok, stop here...
boring day...
but still missing your 1 2 3

difficult.to.let.go

second entry

2006-05-03T07:59:00.000-07:00

second entry...
sfter my first, ppl had been commenting that my blog is too depressing, so therefore and thus,
i'm gonna make this blog entry a happy happy one =)

lets talk abt the land i'm in now.
where i am at, its not like middle earth, so fantasy and imaginative. its like how everyone think it is.
in the movies, in the shows, where everyone will stand at the doors of the classrooms and wait for the bell to ring and once it rings, oh, like all hell break lose! haha...
i dunno how to describe america, but its not as grand as most ppl think it is. if someone were to come and visit america ona vacation, probably they will think that america is not so great afterall. but i think its only when you start living here that you will experience the convenience and comfort of staying in america... but although i said all these, i still dun really like it here yet. the ppl, the culture, it just disgust me... its really like OMG!!!

i miss singapore. singapre is very different from america...
maybe i will tell more in my next entry... needa go for my lunch now...
bye...
(happy enough)

difficult.to.let.go

first entry

2006-05-02T20:51:00.000-07:00

this is my first entry.
right now in america, haix. left behind me 13 years of my life and now stranded on an alien land, alone and lost.
never was it intended to end like this and i'm not going to let it get worst. i have once lost wad was dear to me and now i'm not going to let history repeat itself...

touched down on american soil just yesterday and already started to miss everyone i once knew. Jiemin, daph, del, claris, ty, wenhui, fangling, jongling, yuet yuet and many many more, and well not forgetting my beloved mummy... ppl that i knew for half a year, 4 years and even 10 years, and now they have all become memories, never again to be relived but only to be wished upon. wished upon that it would happen again and hoping to count up to a thousand or even a million for me instead of just 1, 2, 3.

the night at the airport was really fun, it was not like wild but it felt great. although we only spent like a few hours together, but it seemed just too short for my growing greed to spent every single moment together... thanks for everything. KAM-SA-HA-MEI-DA!

i dunno wad else to say for no matter how much i wanna say, i could not express them in the finest words. but rather a simple thank you can tell a long story... thank you.
and again...
i wished we counted till a million... how i wish that moment could freeze in time and all that i need is _ _ _.
Sa-rang hey!

difficult.to.let.go-